Leading Expert’s Say Stop Buying Sh*t And Eating Cr*p

A quite sensational piece of news reached our inbox over night from a conference in India of leading scientists, doctors, psychologists and academics, with the outcome shocking the world.

In a press release after the three day event Doctor Victor Funkenstein had this to say:

(Official Transcript)

“Ahem, forgive me I have a rather painful throat from all the hearty debate of the last three days, as well as a particularly vigorous karoake session last night where I attempted to sing “Believe” by Cher but strained a vocal chord. . . .”

“Without complexity and articulation, our debates have lead us to a seemingly simple conclusion and with much urgency we must tell the world this basic analogy of the status of the planet and our consumption.”

“Stop buying random sh*t, you dont need it. That nasal hair trimmer that’s gathering dust in your bathoom cabinet for example or the exercise bike that you’ve never used. This Christmas, Eid or Hanukkah don’t buy one present. This leads me onto my next point.”

“Stop shovelling stuff that is pretending to be food into your mouth. Not only is all this so called food being eaten with its packaging discarded on roads and such, around the world, you are all excreting far, far too much without much thought to where it goes. It is predicted that by 2064 our oceans and seas will be 3/5 human waste.”

(End)

Damning stuff.

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Depressed Uber Driver Asks Fare If He Can Come In For Cup Of Coffee

The first email sent to our news desk today was from a young man in Liverpool, who had a rather peculiar moment with the man who was driving the taxi that was meant to be taking him out on the town last night.

Boots customer service worker, Stephen, 29, was meant to be going to the night club Pryzm for a foam party but sadly missed a night out with his pals because of a suffering Uber driver.

“It was really odd” his email states.

“I had got ready, was listening to a bit of the Spice Girls, having a cheeky Barcardi, checking where my Uber was (not before checking Grinder lol ;P), thinking of all the dancing I was going to do later on. Then suddenly I get this message from the driver saying “hello I am having a bad day can I come in and have a cup of coffee and a chat?” How weird is that!?…”

“…I am a big softie at heart and I like to have faith in people so I replied you poor poppet of course you can, thinking it would only be a ten minute natter. It turned into a four hour heart to heart, there were tears and hugs. We drank ten cups of tea and had some biccies….”

It made compassionate Stephen suspect that there could be more depressed drivers out there that need help and has vowed to start up a charity for them.

We contacted Uber for a statement, asking whether it was the low wages or 1984 like control the company had over its employees, amid recent revelations that some workers had been subsidised in packets of skittles over a pay mistake; but the company said it had never heard of The Daily Rambler and our journalist was escorted from their HQ post haste.

Keep up the good work, Stephen.

Interesting news story? Contact the Rambler at newsdesk@therambler.com

 

 

 

Jacob Rees-Mogg Concerned With Big Ben’s Silence Over Drinking Fears

Yesterday marked the first day of the silencing of Big Ben, for a number of years the clock will not be able to tell the time and confuse Londoners as a result. This is due to the current alcoholism that the clock has found itself in after falling off the wagon a bit and developing a taste for single malt. A rehab team has been sent in to try and sort out the problem.

However, no one is as outraged as the Conservative MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, referring to it as the greatest tragedy of our time. He insists that the clock should be allowed to keep drinking as it has every right to do so.

The PM, whilst not happy with the idea, didn’t think it good for the country’s image to have an alcoholic clock as one of its main tourist attractions and feared global backlash after the clock began to slur at innocent bystanders.

Whilst other problems of this green and pleasant land, like child poverty and the GP crisis, pale into insignificance compared to the national treasures alcoholism.

More to come.

 

 

 

Man Buys Self Help Book, Doesn’t Help Himself

Today it can be confirmed that 25 year old Timothy Wretchington, who is going through a quarter life crisis, bought a self help book by a leading guru, as a means of finding a way out of these current doldrums.

He graduated with a First Class Honours Degree in Philosophy from Bristol but since then has struggled with the existential weight of his existence.

“I have done everything I can think of, broke up with my girlfriend of seven years thinking she was the problem…..I went around the world, to India, Australia, Latin America and didn’t post one picture to Instagram. That didn’t help either, my mum actually thought I was dead because I had gone quiet on social media…..so I bought this book….”

The self help book listed improving your emotional vocabulary and to break visceral reactions, or to just try looking a pictures of kittens playing.

His housemates can confirm that it hasn’t worked,

“Nah, he is still the same, could be all the weed he smokes though…”

 

Strong Batches Of Cocaine & MDMA At European Dance Festival Actually Just Over The Counter Chemicals From Local Pharmacies

They danced into the night, shuffling in white socks while clouds of glitter floated through the air. They sweated, flirted and felt euphoric. They returned to their tents a mess, gurning as the sun came up, and slept until it went.

Now as unusual as this may sound, this happens all summer on our shores and all over Europe. The popularity of festivals has grown so much they are not just attended by peace loving, tripped out hippies with a penchant for rock n roll. Now they cater for everyone.

At a dance festival in Eastern Europe this weekend, popular with the white middle class English, a particularly strong batch of cocaine was reported as making people have the best time they have ever had, anywhere. This feeling of ecstasy spread over the festival site as word got round and the local dealers made a killing.

Tom Love, as he likes to be called, 24, from Windsor, who went to the festival had this to say when we spoke to him at Gatwick Airport this morning on his return from the continent.

“Mate I am still buzzing so much! Can’t believe what a good time we all had, I think I danced bare, for three days straight. I dread to think what its going to be like when I start coming down..

….Hopefully my father won’t find out, but I am already planning on going back out to another festival in a couple of weeks instead of starting my masters, which is what my parents wanted”.

He wasn’t the only one to express such sentiments as The Rambler found out after our reporter was offered a threesome by a pale sweaty couple who were still gurning. Needless to say our man booked himself a plane ticket there and then, thinking of nothing but finding the source of these drugs.

What he found there, was dissapointment. He tracked the drug gang down to a dodgy barn in the woods, somewhere in northern Bulgaria and confronted them with his dictaphone. The gang it turns out, was just a man called Borislava, who had done pretty well in school chemistry classes, and his mangy cat.

He explained, in good English, that the reason he sold the drugs was because of his sick grandmother, whose medical care was very expensive and this was the only way he could afford it. He made the drugs and paid local kids to be the pushers. He insisted he was helping the village economy.

What he said next quite shocked our reporter when he revealed that he purchases all the necessary ingredients from a small pharmacy just round the corner of his house.

“Yes, I have never even seen cocaine or ecstasy I just googled a simple recipe and copied it. I don’t even know a proper dealer.”

Our man asked why people thought it was so good,

“No idea, it might be the talcum powder….”

After a word with our editor in chief, the reporter has decided to take himself around European festivals for the rest of the summer, actually trying to find some real drugs.

Stay updated at The Daily Ramlber this summer for more related stories.

 

 

Every Day People and Their Everyday Lives: Meet Talbot The Tiddlywinking Morris Dancer

In our in most current section, the aim is to meet the average Britain to see what they get up to on a daily basis. This week our lifestyle and culture reporter was sent deep into the West Country to see what she could find. After three days she managed to find some wi-fi at a deserted Little Chef just outside of Ilminster to tell us she hadn’t found anyone.

But then the man who cleared her coffee cup with a barely recognizable ‘thank you’ seemed just about as everyday as you could get. So taking a chance she asked if he was game to be a feature for Everyday People and Their Everyday Lives, to which he replied,

“Oh err oi dunt knuw aboot thurt i never ‘eard of no rambler paper, buts why the hull nawt!” with a typical country smile showing little teeth.

The man in question, Talbot Winterbottom, 72, of Frog Lane, Dinnington has lived in the hamlet all of his life. In fact he has never been further then ten miles from home. This is because of his love for two things. The once great national game of Tiddlywinks and the traditional dancing of the Morris. And that’s all a man needs he says.

When you think of Morris Dancing, images of aging men with ale bellies and their alewives dancing and whacking sticks in the many lost villages of England, come to mind, and that’s exactly how it happens.

Sadly Talbot’s dance group has lost many of its members due to things like arms bums & tums and Jazzercise becoming more popular, even among the geriatrics of Deep Somerset. He began, what is known in the industry as prancing the Morris, at the age of 9. Since then he has never faltered a dance .

Through his passion for bells and neckerchiefs he found his other great love, Tiddlywinks, and was actually alive for the birth of the modern game in 1955. He is the longest running member of The Dinnington Winking Tiddlers Team. They have never won a game.

(Translated from the original dialect)

“Ever since I can remember I have been dancing and working my wrists. See there isn’t much round here by way of fun for a young lad. My father passed during the Second War due to a case of severe dysentery. My mother thought I might have been homosexual, she figured it was phase but when I kept dancing she realized what I loved. . .

I have seen the decades come and go, but the Morris endures till the end, as does the tiddly winks. I promised my late wife that I wouldn’t stop skipping and flicking, and I haven’t. I will do this to my last breath.”

As cities grow and technology consumes us, this old man still burns the flame bright for a culture that is being replace. He endures in this green corner of England.

Toodle-pip, Talbot.

 

 

 

 

Trump and Kim Jong-Un Compare Size of Genitals: Results Eerily Similar, Negotiations End

Today reports are reaching us from officials in Washington and Pyongyang of a momentous moment in the current political climate. Just when the world thought it would be plunged into another proxy war to liberate a supposedly oppressed people, the leaders of the two quarreling countries resolved the issue in a somewhat surprising, prepubescent, school yard way. They compared penises.

Apparently the meeting took place in the infamous DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) between North and South Korea, and was the first of its kind. Amid rising diplomatic tensions, sporadic missile tests and flamboyant media posturing, not even the leading international relations experts could have predicted this.

As generals from both countries were preparing themselves for violent conflict, it seems that what’s been the legs of both leaders has quelled war. The aftermath of the meeting has rocked the world’s press. Details of the meeting are somewhat shady, with the nitty gritty being left out by both parties.

From what little information we have gathered so far, we know that both the Supreme Leader and the Leader of the Free World, talked in the Joint Security Area. The aims of the meeting weren’t released before it took place but in a joint press conference directly afterwards, both parties could confirm :

“After intense, heated talks lasting over five hours, the leaders of our countries asked for the room to be cleared, leaving them alone, they came to a climatic conclusion, with what they say was the easiest way to resolve differences and avoid war. . .”

As the report suggests, it seems that at the same time both men pulled their members from their trousers and laid them on the table. The two men were shocked at the similarities both sets of genitalia had, and in fact called in their most trusted advisers, such was the disbelief. Trump was heard yelling from the room “HEY, GET A LOAD OF THIS!!”.

White House Staff can confirm that the length and girth of both members are exactly the same, but details of actual measurements has been left out, that’s for their wives one press officer joked. We do know that they are below the global average for a penis.

As the old saying goes, there is a little bit of truth in every joke, as Melania and Ri were immediate flown to the room amid the incredulity of the President and Supreme Leader. It is not known how this event will affect global diplomacy. Insiders from both parties are calling for a re-measurement, with no short answer forth coming.

The political world reached a furore in wake of the meeting, with many world leaders condemning the act. Although going against the grain, President Emmanuel Macron of France couldn’t hide his disappointed at not being invited, and with classic Gallic flair had this to say:

“I hope when there is another sausage party I will be invited otherwise I will bomb the fuckers….”

Stay tuned for more as it develops.

 

 

 

 

Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.

 

Fry-Up Prices Soar as Cheap Airlines Cancel Flights Throughout May & June

British summer has arrived and en masse, thousands of pasty bodies flock to the airports searching for some booze and sun.

It has been confirmed by numerous airports around the country, including the big London ones, that the price of a hot breakfast has risen three fold due to the demand rising from the uncommon number of cancelled flights passengers are experiencing.

Manager of Gatwick Whitherspoons, Sally Briskett, has told us that they cant keep up.

“Listen, I’ve had to order an extra 3,000 sausages this week, people are literally gobbling sizzlers quicker than I can say sausage, and with all this Brexit nonsense, pork is dearer!”

With this coming weekend usually a big one for people’s holidays, one establishment in Liverpool airport has had to close after realizing that they could no longer serve cooked breakfast due to the shortage.

“Its a sad day” said Chef Pete from Wrexham, who works at the establishment, “I took pride in my work and now I can’t even slice a tomato”

It is not clear whether the wider economy will suffer as a result of the shortage.

We asked builder Greg Jenkins from Stockport, what he thought of this sloppy mess.

“I’ve been at this airport since yesterday morning, thinking I was on my way to Zante but no, this is my 47th pint and I am still waiting for my breakfast, shocking, absolutely shocking”

Keep up to date on the fry-up famine over the summer at The Daily Rambler.

 

Student, 21, ends up on Isle of Wight after beginning her night in Newcastle

Lucy, who is a Business Student from the University of Newcastle, was found on Spring Vale beach, the Isle of Wight, around 6.20am by local fisherman who thought she might have been a washed up seal.

When being woken up she allegedly screamed “Doner!!!”, most likely in regards to one of the nations most loved foods, the Doner Kebab, of Turkish origin. The fisherman said she appeared drunk, confused and quite irritable. An ambulance crew arrived shortly after.

Local Paramedic Rodney Pearson was quoted as saying,

“Can we find out what she drinking and order a load? Looks bloody good”

The student had begun the night in quite a different setting, 400 hundred miles away in her SU bar all the way up in Newcastle. What was an innocent night out, turned bad.

“All I can remember is the rounds were flying in and I was drinking so much. I think I remember ordering 27 Sambuca’s around 9pm but I am not sure.”

“It was final results weekend and, you know, of course we are going to party our socks off, who doesn’t deserve it after basically just memorizing old exam papers, hoping that the same questions would come up”

How she came to be on the beach on the tiny island opposite the delights of Clarence Pier in nearby Portsmouth, is a mystery. There are several ferry and hovercraft links from the mainland.

Lucy was safely returned to her family home in Buckinghamshire, where her parents were anxiously waiting. Her father was heard shouting as the mansions gates closed, “If we have to buy you another bloody IPhone 7”.

The University declined to comment. When pressed, they said this wasn’t unusual.