Every Day People and Their Everyday Lives: Meet Talbot The Tiddlywinking Morris Dancer

In our in most current section, the aim is to meet the average Britain to see what they get up to on a daily basis. This week our lifestyle and culture reporter was sent deep into the West Country to see what she could find. After three days she managed to find some wi-fi at a deserted Little Chef just outside of Ilminster to tell us she hadn’t found anyone.

But then the man who cleared her coffee cup with a barely recognizable ‘thank you’ seemed just about as everyday as you could get. So taking a chance she asked if he was game to be a feature for Everyday People and Their Everyday Lives, to which he replied,

“Oh err oi dunt knuw aboot thurt i never ‘eard of no rambler paper, buts why the hull nawt!” with a typical country smile showing little teeth.

The man in question, Talbot Winterbottom, 72, of Frog Lane, Dinnington has lived in the hamlet all of his life. In fact he has never been further then ten miles from home. This is because of his love for two things. The once great national game of Tiddlywinks and the traditional dancing of the Morris. And that’s all a man needs he says.

When you think of Morris Dancing, you think of aging men with ale bellies and their alewives dancing and whacking sticks in the many lost villages of England.

Sadly Talbot’s dance group has lost many of its members due to things like arms bums & tums and Jazzercise becoming more popular, even among the geriatrics of Deep Somerset. He began, what is known in the industry as prancing the Morris, at the age of 9. Since then he has never faltered a dance .

Through his passion for bells and neckerchiefs he found his other great love, Tiddlywinks, and was actually alive for the birth of the modern game in 1955. He is the longest running member of The Dinnington Winking Tiddlers Team. They have never won a game.

(Translated from the original dialect)

“Ever since I can remember I have been dancing and working my wrists. See there isn’t much round here by way of fun for a young lad. My father passed during the Second War due to a case of severe dysentery. My mother thought I might have been homosexual but then she figured it was phase but when I kept dancing she realized what I loved. . .

I have seen the decades come and go, but the Morris endures till the end, as does the tiddly winks. I promised my late wife that I wouldn’t stop skipping and flicking, and I haven’t. I will do this to my last breath.”

As cities grow and technology consumes us, this old man still burns the flame bright for a culture that is being replace. He endures in this green corner of England.

Toodle-pip, Talbot.

 

 

 

 

Trump and Kim Jong-Un Compare Size of Genitals: Results Eerily Similar, Negotiations End

Today reports are reaching us from officials in Washington and Pyongyang of a momentous moment in the current political climate. Just when the world thought it would be plunged into another proxy war to liberate a supposedly oppressed people, the leaders of the two quarreling countries resolved the issue in a somewhat surprising, prepubescent, school yard way. They compared penises.

Apparently the meeting took place in the infamous DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) between North and South Korea, and was the first of its kind. Amid rising diplomatic tensions, sporadic missile tests and flamboyant media posturing, not even the leading international relations experts could have predicted this.

As generals from both countries were preparing themselves for violent conflict, it seems that what’s been the legs of both leaders has quelled war. The aftermath of the meeting has rocked the world’s press. Details of the meeting are somewhat shady, with the nitty gritty being left out by both parties.

From what little information we have gathered so far, we know that both the Supreme Leader and the Leader of the Free World, talked in the Joint Security Area. The aims of the meeting weren’t released before it took place but in a joint press conference directly afterwards, both parties could confirm :

“After intense, heated talks lasting over five hours, the leaders of our countries asked for the room to be cleared, leaving them alone, they came to a climatic conclusion, with what they say was the easiest way to resolve differences and avoid war. . .”

As the report suggests, it seems that at the same time both men pulled their members from their trousers and laid them on the table. The two men were shocked at the similarities both sets of genitalia had, and in fact called in their most trusted advisers, such was the disbelief. Trump was heard yelling from the room “HEY, GET A LOAD OF THIS!!”.

White House Staff can confirm that the length and girth of both members are exactly the same, but details of actual measurements has been left out, that’s for their wives one press officer joked. We do know that they are below the global average for a penis.

As the old saying goes, there is a little bit of truth in every joke, as Melania and Ri were immediate flown to the room amid the incredulity of the President and Supreme Leader. It is not known how this event will affect global diplomacy. Insiders from both parties are calling for a re-measurement, with no short answer forth coming.

The political world reached a furore in wake of the meeting, with many world leaders condemning the act. Although going against the grain, President Emmanuel Macron of France couldn’t hide his disappointed at not being invited, and with classic Gallic flair had this to say:

“I hope when there is another sausage party I will be invited otherwise I will bomb the fuckers….”

Stay tuned for more as it develops.

 

 

 

 

Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.

 

Fry-Up Prices Soar as Cheap Airlines Cancel Flights Throughout May & June

British summer has arrived and en masse, thousands of pasty bodies flock to the airports searching for some booze and sun.

It has been confirmed by numerous airports around the country, including the big London ones, that the price of a hot breakfast has risen three fold due to the demand rising from the uncommon number of cancelled flights passengers are experiencing.

Manager of Gatwick Whitherspoons, Sally Briskett, has told us that they cant keep up.

“Listen, I’ve had to order an extra 3,000 sausages this week, people are literally gobbling sizzlers quicker than I can say sausage, and with all this Brexit nonsense, pork is dearer!”

With this coming weekend usually a big one for people’s holidays, one establishment in Liverpool airport has had to close after realizing that they could no longer serve cooked breakfast due to the shortage.

“Its a sad day” said Chef Pete from Wrexham, who works at the establishment, “I took pride in my work and now I can’t even slice a tomato”

It is not clear whether the wider economy will suffer as a result of the shortage.

We asked builder Greg Jenkins from Stockport, what he thought of this sloppy mess.

“I’ve been at this airport since yesterday morning, thinking I was on my way to Zante but no, this is my 47th pint and I am still waiting for my breakfast, shocking, absolutely shocking”

Keep up to date on the fry-up famine over the summer at The Daily Rambler.

 

Student, 21, ends up on Isle of Wight after beginning her night in Newcastle

Lucy, who is a Business Student from the University of Newcastle, was found on Spring Vale beach, the Isle of Wight, around 6.20am by local fisherman who thought she might have been a washed up seal.

When being woken up she allegedly screamed “Doner!!!”, most likely in regards to one of the nations most loved foods, the Doner Kebab, of Turkish origin. The fisherman said she appeared drunk, confused and quite irritable. An ambulance crew arrived shortly after.

Local Paramedic Rodney Pearson was quoted as saying,

“Can we find out what she drinking and order a load? Looks bloody good”

The student had begun the night in quite a different setting, 400 hundred miles away in her SU bar all the way up in Newcastle. What was an innocent night out, turned bad.

“All I can remember is the rounds were flying in and I was drinking so much. I think I remember ordering 27 Sambuca’s around 9pm but I am not sure.”

“It was final results weekend and, you know, of course we are going to party our socks off, who doesn’t deserve it after basically just memorizing old exam papers, hoping that the same questions would come up”

How she came to be on the beach on the tiny island opposite the delights of Clarence Pier in nearby Portsmouth, is a mystery. There are several ferry and hovercraft links from the mainland.

Lucy was safely returned to her family home in Buckinghamshire, where her parents were anxiously waiting. Her father was heard shouting as the mansions gates closed, “If we have to buy you another bloody IPhone 7”.

The University declined to comment. When pressed, they said this wasn’t unusual.

 

Aging Pensioner forced to play Queen for a day as Royal Ascot begins

The inside talk from the halls of Westminster this morning is that the Queen employed a doppelganger for her traditional speech at the opening of Parliament yesterday.

The reason for this is thought to be because of the first day of Royal Ascot. Which coincided, unfortunately for the Queen, with the speech she was meant to deliver in the House of Peers.

It is now understood that the Palace sought to find someone with an uncanny resemblance to her Majesty. Apparently agents (in secret) scoured the land for weeks before seeing OAP Beatrice “Betty” Johnson looking for her cat amongst the bushes of Victoria Park.

After being persuaded with a handsome sum of money and a life time supply of Bovril to perform the task, Betty had to practice for weeks before the speech. One of our reporters tracked her down this morning outside her council flat in Tower Hamlets. He managed to ask a few question before being hit repeatedly with a handbag.

“Well I was just looking for Tommy (the cat) one night when two posh sounding men came out of nowhere and gave me this proposition to be the Queen for a day…”

It is well known her Majesty is a passionate horse lover and it seems the races take precedence over official state business for the Windsor monarch, which is why Betty had to step in.

“I had to practice this speech over and over, talking about Brexit this Brexit that, I voted leave because I haven’t had a decent portion of fish and chips since the 1970s…”

Betty has since said she will not do anything of the like again.

“Some of those blue bloods are awful- I saw Prince William tell a butler to follow him to the toilet so he could help him wipe!”

The Palace Press Office has yet to make a statement.