Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.

 

Fry-Up Prices Soar as Cheap Airlines Cancel Flights Throughout May & June

British summer has arrived and en masse, thousands of pasty bodies flock to the airports searching for some booze and sun.

It has been confirmed by numerous airports around the country, including the big London ones, that the price of a hot breakfast has risen three fold due to the demand rising from the uncommon number of cancelled flights passengers are experiencing.

Manager of Gatwick Whitherspoons, Sally Briskett, has told us that they cant keep up.

“Listen, I’ve had to order an extra 3,000 sausages this week, people are literally gobbling sizzlers quicker than I can say sausage, and with all this Brexit nonsense, pork is dearer!”

With this coming weekend usually a big one for people’s holidays, one establishment in Liverpool airport has had to close after realizing that they could no longer serve cooked breakfast due to the shortage.

“Its a sad day” said Chef Pete from Wrexham, who works at the establishment, “I took pride in my work and now I can’t even slice a tomato”

It is not clear whether the wider economy will suffer as a result of the shortage.

We asked builder Greg Jenkins from Stockport, what he thought of this sloppy mess.

“I’ve been at this airport since yesterday morning, thinking I was on my way to Zante but no, this is my 47th pint and I am still waiting for my breakfast, shocking, absolutely shocking”

Keep up to date on the fry-up famine over the summer at The Daily Rambler.

 

Aging Pensioner forced to play Queen for a day as Royal Ascot begins

The inside talk from the halls of Westminster this morning is that the Queen employed a doppelganger for her traditional speech at the opening of Parliament yesterday.

The reason for this is thought to be because of the first day of Royal Ascot. Which coincided, unfortunately for the Queen, with the speech she was meant to deliver in the House of Peers.

It is now understood that the Palace sought to find someone with an uncanny resemblance to her Majesty. Apparently agents (in secret) scoured the land for weeks before seeing OAP Beatrice “Betty” Johnson looking for her cat amongst the bushes of Victoria Park.

After being persuaded with a handsome sum of money and a life time supply of Bovril to perform the task, Betty had to practice for weeks before the speech. One of our reporters tracked her down this morning outside her council flat in Tower Hamlets. He managed to ask a few question before being hit repeatedly with a handbag.

“Well I was just looking for Tommy (the cat) one night when two posh sounding men came out of nowhere and gave me this proposition to be the Queen for a day…”

It is well known her Majesty is a passionate horse lover and it seems the races take precedence over official state business for the Windsor monarch, which is why Betty had to step in.

“I had to practice this speech over and over, talking about Brexit this Brexit that, I voted leave because I haven’t had a decent portion of fish and chips since the 1970s…”

Betty has since said she will not do anything of the like again.

“Some of those blue bloods are awful- I saw Prince William tell a butler to follow him to the toilet so he could help him wipe!”

The Palace Press Office has yet to make a statement.