Trump Trials New Drug Dealing Scheme, Backfires Almost Immediately

More and more drugs come to our shores every year from all over the world. But none have come from the higher echelons of democratically elected leaders. It is well known that President Elect Donald Trump is a shrewd and canny business man but few would have imagined he try to pull of this stunt.

It seems that while he was distracting the world with talk of building a border wall theme park with Mexico, he was also employing a German father and son duo to produce thousands of ecstasy pills for him. 5,000 carrot coloured ecstasy tablets to be exact, in the shape of Donald’s head with the word Trump emblazoned on the back.

It is thought the drugs would have been sold on the internet under the slogan, “Trump makes partying great again”.

Ecstasy often leads people to dance funnily and sweat profusely whilst loving everything in sight.

One arresting officer commented on the uncanny likeness of the President’s exuberant hairstyle on the pills and said a good hand must have made them.

The White House deny all allegations after The Rambler opened up the discourse. No other news agencies have taken the same stance because it cant be confirmed that Donald is in any way involved.

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Man Buys Self Help Book, Doesn’t Help Himself

Today it can be confirmed that 25 year old Timothy Wretchington, who is going through a quarter life crisis, bought a self help book by a leading guru, as a means of finding a way out of these current doldrums.

He graduated with a First Class Honours Degree in Philosophy from Bristol but since then has struggled with the existential weight of his existence.

“I have done everything I can think of, broke up with my girlfriend of seven years thinking she was the problem…..I went around the world, to India, Australia, Latin America and didn’t post one picture to Instagram. That didn’t help either, my mum actually thought I was dead because I had gone quiet on social media…..so I bought this book….”

The self help book listed improving your emotional vocabulary and to break visceral reactions, or to just try looking a pictures of kittens playing.

His housemates can confirm that it hasn’t worked,

“Nah, he is still the same, could be all the weed he smokes though…”

 

Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.

 

Fry-Up Prices Soar as Cheap Airlines Cancel Flights Throughout May & June

British summer has arrived and en masse, thousands of pasty bodies flock to the airports searching for some booze and sun.

It has been confirmed by numerous airports around the country, including the big London ones, that the price of a hot breakfast has risen three fold due to the demand rising from the uncommon number of cancelled flights passengers are experiencing.

Manager of Gatwick Whitherspoons, Sally Briskett, has told us that they cant keep up.

“Listen, I’ve had to order an extra 3,000 sausages this week, people are literally gobbling sizzlers quicker than I can say sausage, and with all this Brexit nonsense, pork is dearer!”

With this coming weekend usually a big one for people’s holidays, one establishment in Liverpool airport has had to close after realizing that they could no longer serve cooked breakfast due to the shortage.

“Its a sad day” said Chef Pete from Wrexham, who works at the establishment, “I took pride in my work and now I can’t even slice a tomato”

It is not clear whether the wider economy will suffer as a result of the shortage.

We asked builder Greg Jenkins from Stockport, what he thought of this sloppy mess.

“I’ve been at this airport since yesterday morning, thinking I was on my way to Zante but no, this is my 47th pint and I am still waiting for my breakfast, shocking, absolutely shocking”

Keep up to date on the fry-up famine over the summer at The Daily Rambler.

 

Aging Pensioner forced to play Queen for a day as Royal Ascot begins

The inside talk from the halls of Westminster this morning is that the Queen employed a doppelganger for her traditional speech at the opening of Parliament yesterday.

The reason for this is thought to be because of the first day of Royal Ascot. Which coincided, unfortunately for the Queen, with the speech she was meant to deliver in the House of Peers.

It is now understood that the Palace sought to find someone with an uncanny resemblance to her Majesty. Apparently agents (in secret) scoured the land for weeks before seeing OAP Beatrice “Betty” Johnson looking for her cat amongst the bushes of Victoria Park.

After being persuaded with a handsome sum of money and a life time supply of Bovril to perform the task, Betty had to practice for weeks before the speech. One of our reporters tracked her down this morning outside her council flat in Tower Hamlets. He managed to ask a few question before being hit repeatedly with a handbag.

“Well I was just looking for Tommy (the cat) one night when two posh sounding men came out of nowhere and gave me this proposition to be the Queen for a day…”

It is well known her Majesty is a passionate horse lover and it seems the races take precedence over official state business for the Windsor monarch, which is why Betty had to step in.

“I had to practice this speech over and over, talking about Brexit this Brexit that, I voted leave because I haven’t had a decent portion of fish and chips since the 1970s…”

Betty has since said she will not do anything of the like again.

“Some of those blue bloods are awful- I saw Prince William tell a butler to follow him to the toilet so he could help him wipe!”

The Palace Press Office has yet to make a statement.