Katie Hopkins Furious Las Vegas Shooter Is Not A Muslim

Shocking developments have surfaced over the sadistic, terrorist shooting that occurred last night in Las Vegas, the highest death toll since the Sand Creek Massacre in 1864, with Katie Hopkins outraged to learn the murderers name was Stephen Paddock and has no links to any Islamic terrorist organisations.

Now it’s hard to actually say what Katie does, except that she is somesort of public figure and says nasty things from time to time, clinging on to what little remaining cause she has left.

The controverisal figure, now well past her prime and full of superficial hope that she may still be taken seriously one day, is deplored by almost the entire country. Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference today, she told a group of journalists that it was a shock to learn of the shooters identity, because she couldn’t use it to further the imperialist rhetoric that basically, all brown people are terrorists.

Wearing the wedding dress from a previously failed marriage, the attention seeking bigot, also revealed why she had worn the out of place dress:

“You know I always like to make a statement, and to show the third year physics students I met over the weekend, that I am actually famous and will make headlines, with a bang, don’t you know.”

She went on to explain further that over the weekend she had quite drunkenly and un-surreptitiously tried to gate crash a student house party but wasn’t allowed in because no one knew who she was.

Apparently after a quick chat, they thought she was lying and had to be an undercover police officer or somebody’s mother. An eye witness statement confirms that she was seen promptly running down the street after an impromtu sing a long of “Oh Jeremy Corbyn” erupted from the living room.

Keep trying, Katie.

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Leading Expert’s Say Stop Buying Sh*t And Eating Cr*p

A quite sensational piece of news reached our inbox over night from a conference in India of leading scientists, doctors, psychologists and academics, with the outcome shocking the world.

In a press release after the three day event Doctor Victor Funkenstein had this to say:

(Official Transcript)

“Ahem, forgive me I have a rather painful throat from all the hearty debate of the last three days, as well as a particularly vigorous karoake session last night where I attempted to sing “Believe” by Cher but strained a vocal chord. . . .”

“Without complexity and articulation, our debates have lead us to a seemingly simple conclusion and with much urgency we must tell the world this basic analogy of the status of the planet and our consumption.”

“Stop buying random sh*t, you dont need it. That nasal hair trimmer that’s gathering dust in your bathoom cabinet for example or the exercise bike that you’ve never used. This Christmas, Eid or Hanukkah don’t buy one present. This leads me onto my next point.”

“Stop shovelling stuff that is pretending to be food into your mouth. Not only is all this so called food being eaten with its packaging discarded on roads and such, around the world, you are all excreting far, far too much without much thought to where it goes. It is predicted that by 2064 our oceans and seas will be 3/5 human waste.”

(End)

Damning stuff.

Unhappy Twenty One Year Old Misses Happy Slapping and WKD Blues

A burger flipper at a local late night fast food place has bravely contacted The Rambler to express his woes currently nostalgically festering in reminiscing cultural past times.

Shaun Price, who left school with half a GCSE, sincerely wrote to us about how much he missed slapping the unsuspecting bystander whilst being filmed by laughing friends or strawpedo-ing* a WKD Blue in the park.

(*Putting a straw in a bottle and holding the top over the rim of the bottle forces the liquid to come out all at once when drunk).

“Those were good days….” He wrote.

“But I am just a burger flipper now, although I can fry fifteen frozen ones in like five minutes, I still miss the days of roaming the streets and doing what we pleased, I remember STI Pete (A nickname, we presume) trying to slap a granny on the 45 Bus but he missed and knocked himself out on one of them stand up pole things you get on buses….”

“I’ve still got some of the old videos on my phone and I watch them from time to time when I feel lonely, always brings a smile to my face….”

We aren’t even twenty years into this century and it seems that some past times are already fading into obscurity.

This newspaper wishes Shaun all the best for the future.

 

Chuck Norris Vows To Stop Hurricane Irma

Nature at it’s mightiest unleashed vengence like wrath upon the Carribbean and the America’s this week with unrelenting fury that has left untold devastation in it’s wake. The humanitarian effort needed to rebuild whole communities will have to be quick in forthcoming.

However, that didn’t stop our entrepid American correspondent making her way to Florida to face the brunt of the storm in an effort of highly commendable journalism to give us the word on the wind.

After a howling, crackly conversation on the phone with our reporter currently in the eye of the hurricane in the South Florida Key’s, who has confirmed that Chuck Norris has been seen wading out into the ocean, steadily pacing toward’s the dark steely horizon.

This comes after tens of thousands of residents have vowed to open fire upon the violent storm, one group on social media have started a flash mob event for when the tempest reaches its strongest. Gun stores and local supermarkets can confirm that their bullet stocks are empty.

In response to this, true patriot and the man responsible for killing hundreds of terrorists in the 1980s, Chuck Norris, in hero like fashion told the people of Florida to put their guns down because only he alone could take the storm on.

Moments before he tied on a stars and stripes bandana around his forehead and stepped into the strong surf, he tweeted: “Leave this to me #Irma”.

Reportedly, Chuck has not been seen in the hours since his figure was lost in the distance. The storm hasn’t stopped. Let’s hope Mr. Norris and the hurricane are locked in god like battle.

More to come.

Local Man Swears Rubbish Collectors Out To Wake Him Up Every Tuesday Morning

Up and down the breadth of this great island of Albion, whether rich or poor, city or countryside, we share something inherent in common. Not the rich, green pastures of Chesington’s World of Adventures nor the great industrial beauty of the M25.

It is but the sound of a beeping rubbish truck emblazened in local council colours, coming to take our waste away. Collected by necklace wearing, tattoo sporting stigs of the dump. A great duty these men provide our society, however sometimes things can get sinister.

For a number of weeks now, local man David Spencer, 34, a second hand car salesman, has been slowly convinced that the team of yellow vested, beer bellied civil servants that take his used condoms away, are trying to wake him up, on purpose.

“Look, I’m not paranoid or nothing, its just that for a few weeks now I have been suspecting my rubbish collectors are out to get me.” We caught up with Dave in his studio flat inside a trendy new housing development, designed by the village architect, Alan Rench, just outside Acton Pigott.

“Ever since I had that house party which lasted for three days the other month, I get all kinds of noise when the rubbish men come round on a Tuesday morning. It’s not just the normal sounds of them doing their job, it’s like the blue man group most weeks now…”

Apparently sleepless Dave has lodged 37 formal complaints to the council but has received scant reply.

“Now I am going crazy just at the thought of going to bed on a Monday night. It could be something to do with 600 bottles of WKD Blue I left out there after the party but thats their job isn’t it?”

The council, releasing a brief statement after our current affairs reporter contacted them, had this to say:

“The allegations raised by Mr.Spencer in no way bare any substance or genuineness and the council refuses to take them into consideration. Looking into Mr. Spencer’s profile, there was a case filed against him by neighbourhood watch in 2015 for reapeatedly leaving his bin lid open allowing wild badgers to knock over the bin and shift through the trash.”

The village can talk of nothing else.

 

 

 

Depressed Uber Driver Asks Fare If He Can Come In For Cup Of Coffee

The first email sent to our news desk today was from a young man in Liverpool, who had a rather peculiar moment with the man who was driving the taxi that was meant to be taking him out on the town last night.

Boots customer service worker, Stephen, 29, was meant to be going to the night club Pryzm for a foam party but sadly missed a night out with his pals because of a suffering Uber driver.

“It was really odd” his email states.

“I had got ready, was listening to a bit of the Spice Girls, having a cheeky Barcardi, checking where my Uber was (not before checking Grinder lol ;P), thinking of all the dancing I was going to do later on. Then suddenly I get this message from the driver saying “hello I am having a bad day can I come in and have a cup of coffee and a chat?” How weird is that!?…”

“…I am a big softie at heart and I like to have faith in people so I replied you poor poppet of course you can, thinking it would only be a ten minute natter. It turned into a four hour heart to heart, there were tears and hugs. We drank ten cups of tea and had some biccies….”

It made compassionate Stephen suspect that there could be more depressed drivers out there that need help and has vowed to start up a charity for them.

We contacted Uber for a statement, asking whether it was the low wages or 1984 like control the company had over its employees, amid recent revelations that some workers had been subsidised in packets of skittles over a pay mistake; but the company said it had never heard of The Daily Rambler and our journalist was escorted from their HQ post haste.

Keep up the good work, Stephen.

Interesting news story? Contact the Rambler at newsdesk@therambler.com

 

 

 

Australians Vote To Show World How Homophobic General Populace Is

Australia has been going through a political furore over the last month, the halls of Canberra, a city eerily similar to Milton Keynes, have been in heated debate.

Next week Australians will decide via postal vote whether they think of themselves as homophobic or not. Traditionally the country is known for its homophobic racist past times such as ‘poke a poofter’ and ‘keep the migrants out’ became popular games for children.

Ironically one of Australia’s favourite ice creams is called Golden Gaytime, it seems this is lost on most of the people who live on the island and happily suck on a few gaytimes in the summer months.

It is not known how this will affect the common Australian ‘bloke’ as many of them cannot get passed the thought of homosexual people not being discriminated against.

What’s happening down under?

Stay updated at The Rambler.

Trump Trials New Drug Dealing Scheme, Backfires Almost Immediately

More and more drugs come to our shores every year from all over the world. But none have come from the higher echelons of democratically elected leaders. It is well known that President Elect Donald Trump is a shrewd and canny business man but few would have imagined he try to pull of this stunt.

It seems that while he was distracting the world with talk of building a border wall theme park with Mexico, he was also employing a German father and son duo to produce thousands of ecstasy pills for him. 5,000 carrot coloured ecstasy tablets to be exact, in the shape of Donald’s head with the word Trump emblazoned on the back.

It is thought the drugs would have been sold on the internet under the slogan, “Trump makes partying great again”.

Ecstasy often leads people to dance funnily and sweat profusely whilst loving everything in sight.

One arresting officer commented on the uncanny likeness of the President’s exuberant hairstyle on the pills and said a good hand must have made them.

The White House deny all allegations after The Rambler opened up the discourse. No other news agencies have taken the same stance because it cant be confirmed that Donald is in any way involved.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Concerned With Big Ben’s Silence Over Drinking Fears

Yesterday marked the first day of the silencing of Big Ben, for a number of years the clock will not be able to tell the time and confuse Londoners as a result. This is due to the current alcoholism that the clock has found itself in after falling off the wagon a bit and developing a taste for single malt. A rehab team has been sent in to try and sort out the problem.

However, no one is as outraged as the Conservative MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, referring to it as the greatest tragedy of our time. He insists that the clock should be allowed to keep drinking as it has every right to do so.

The PM, whilst not happy with the idea, didn’t think it good for the country’s image to have an alcoholic clock as one of its main tourist attractions and feared global backlash after the clock began to slur at innocent bystanders.

Whilst other problems of this green and pleasant land, like child poverty and the GP crisis, pale into insignificance compared to the national treasures alcoholism.

More to come.

 

 

 

Television Now More Entertaining When Thrown Off Roof

One of the country’s favourite cultural past times, watching television, has come under a dramatic turn of events.

Every night since Love Island finished, TV sets have been found smashed in their hundreds, up and down the country. It can be confirmed that people are getting bored waiting for the new series of X-factor to start again, and are fed up with the new prime time show, Cats Doing Silly Things. A powerful insight into the people of Great Britain.

35 Year Old, Courtney Smith, had this to say after smoking half her cigarette in one puff,

“I was a TV addict now I can’t stand the thing, its bonkers….

“….used to love coming home after my long commute which involved three buses and tram ride to plonk down on the sofa so I could judge some people on TV, I remember getting upset if I missed even a minute. Now with this new cat show, its rubbish and I don’t get it…”

She says she will just have a bath and listen to old CD compilations she made as a teenager instead of tuning into the old box.

From Aberdeen to Southampton, cities and towns are being filled with the vestiges of visual entertainment, it seems now the entertainment comes from throwing them from a roof or high place.

Police have issued a warning after several men were arrested in London following their successful attempt to throw a good handful of televisions from Tower Bridge, with one even landing on the deck of a tourist boat. Apparently one Australian traveler asked if it was a local fish.