Cultural Spotlight Of The Week: How Underrated Is Welsh Hip-Hop?

Wales is place of stunning landscapes, abandoned coalmines, violent drinking and rugby mediocrity. Little is known of its other cultures, and one particular underground scene is shaking up the traditional view of the almost unknown country.

Specifically music, and hip-hop music at that.¬†Powered by lager and Ginsters pasties these men of the valleys have lyrical passion in their veins, as it is widely known that all Welsh people can sing pretty well, especially when in large groups. The country has a rich history of hip hop with such crews as Goldie Lookin’ Chain and Ruffstylz legends of the stage.

We spoke to Alun Jones aka MC Smokez of the Young Leeks Crew:

‘You know rhyming lyrics is in my blood, I am the voice of the street on my estate, all the kids look up to me, most of the time I just stand on the pavement while a crowd gathers round me and I spit verses to the masses!”

According to the national TV Channel S4C, there are plans for an X-Factor style show, solely focused on the emerging rap talent the country has in abundance, with the title set to be announced as Rap Along With The Boyos.

Watch this space.

 

 

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Exercise Obsessed Women Suspicious Her Fitbit Is Lying

It’s one thing to motivate yourself to start exercising, and another thing when your fitbit doesn’t record you daily activities properly. This is what Jane Thompson has been experiencing recently, the Rambler can detail.

Jane, the unemployed housewife, works out whenever she can, and is barely out of her active wear during the day so it came as a surprise to her how low her step count was on her Fitbit watch.

“Silly thing, I thought it would really help me and establish my exercise routine as second to none- I don’t know anyone else who works out as much as I do, I average about 5 km a day but my watch says I do more like 3km, how can I show off at coffee mornings with a measly 3 km? I don’t want to come across like I think I am better than I am but come on!”

It remains to be seen how long Jane’s relationship with the watch will last.

Racist Man Surprised To Find Out How Much He Loves Indian Food

This morning a right wing man, who identifies himself as an unabashed patriot, called our news desk with a quite remarkable revelation. He went to dinner at a new friends house and was gobsmacked to find out that the food he was enjoying was actually curry, of Indian descent.

This is the first time the man has pushed the culinary boat out and tried victuals that come from south of the Humber, having been a resident of Hull all his life.

“Worlds changing if you ask me, back when I was a lad, a new shop opened on the high street that sold croissants and European stuff- I can tell you it didn’t last long at all- that were nigh on 40 years ago now”

Despite not realising his friend had such an open minded palate, the experience may have rubbed off on the aging man,

“Couldn’t believe it I couldn’t- I am British through and through, immigration is ruining this country but this gloopy saucy stuff- tasted wonderful, like creamy and meaty at the same time. Was thinking I might try that Chicken Tikka malarkey next!”

 

 

Weekend Report: 30 Something Man Relieved Lights in Club Won’t Show How Haggard He Is

Tony Valerie, 36, did something this weekend that he hasn’t done in a long time, he attended a popular night club after knocking back a few too many sambucas. The data analyst or The Spreadsheet Doctor as his colleagues like to call him, decided Saturday night was the night to- ‘relive the glory days’, according to the nine to fiver.

While still a bachelor, Tony thought he could pull out the moves from yesteryear and show the girls some of his old favourites from the middle of the dance floor. Sadly, with an aging back and an historic sporting injury, smooth moves Tony couldn’t rekindle the old hips and get them back into action.

“I thought I was going to have a great night but it turns out I can’t keep up with the fresh faced, younger generation, and boy can they dance”

Apparently Tony was thankful that the club itself was quite dark as he was painfully aware of the bags under his eyes and the slightly protruding gut he has.

“I consoled myself with a happy meal on the way home”

There’s always next weekend.

 

 

Queen Using Offshore Tax Haven To Fund Giant Corgi Park

Make no mistake, one of the most iconic sites in British Culture is the stumpy canine, the Corgi. Now these dogs rose to fame because a woman of German descent who became Queen of the United Kingdom liked the fat, oblong shape of the breed and made them popular.

Amid scandalous revelations about the Queen’s money after the Paradise Papers were released, our paper can reveal that she had planned to build one hell of a big park for her beloved pets.

Vast swathes of the Midlands and about half of Wales were planned to be leveled to make way for the Corgi playground. Apparently the city of Birmingham was to become a designated ‘poo corner’, after it was revealed the Queen is West Bromwich Albion supporter.

Never one to shy away from austerity, it seems the Queen has been found with a bit of egg on her face.

Weekly Report: Tories Culling Uglier, Less Appealing MPs In Attempt To ‘Make Party Handsomer’

This week the Conservative Party have been shrouded in controversy as ministers resign over past misdemeanours in shocking revelations. It seems the older more established MPs, who are about as pubicly appealing as a bucket of gonorrhea, are being shown the door, our correspondents have confirmed.

They are being replaced by the next generation of pale, tired looking men in suits. This new wave of Tory politician wouldn’t look amiss walking through the Slytherin common room at Hogwarts or approving a loan with crippling repayments to a pensioner.

In an attempt to give the party more sex appeal, these men of the people who remind us of that weird guy we met at a house party, who had an unhealthy knowledge of serial killers and their crimes, are taking up power in Westminster.

Our PM has a penchant for the younger man, it seems.

We contacted Michael Fallon for a quote but we were told he was away in the Bahamas on a supposed business trip.

Government Plan To Sink Millions Into Finding Out Why Cats Don’t Give A F*ck

The government today revealed that millions has been granted to a project devised by a leading think tank who are the global leaders in cat psychology. Our feline companions leave us perplexed at the best of times, with many cat owners wondering why they bought the pet in the first place.

It is thought that the cat specialists will spend the year long project trying to figure out why the creatures just don’t seem to give a flying fancy about anything you do for them, apart from being terrified of the vacuum cleaner, or shoving their bums in your face whilst you try to watch television.

Arguably many cats see themselves as overlords of the families who own them, just using the humans for food and attention, but only on their terms and conditions.

The results of the research will be published this time next year, and we eagerly await the outcome.

 

Construction Worker Fired For Not Being Able To Make Proper Cup Of Tea

It is somewhat of an unwritten skill when starting a new job, making a cup of tea, its the stepping stone to being accepted in the workplace. For British people it is the very first thing they learn as toddlers, before speech. So it came to a shock for us to hear that a young labourer had been fired before the work day had even started, reports have verified.

Steven Parker, 17, had only got the cash in hand job the day before, but he was promptly marched off site at exactly 7.56am today. The foreman, in all his wisdom, asks new workers to undertake the simple task of making a cup of tea for everyone, almost as an act of initiation. Steven failed miserably by basically making milk soup.

Allegedly the now unemployed labourer has been banned from site, but has been given the option of coming back after improving his tea making skills.

“Might as well have drunk my bath water this morning” remarked one sparky.

A sacrilege to British culture and values, Steven.

Girlfriend Tells Story About Shopping Trip- Boyfriend Rushed To Hospital In Coma

Not many conversations end with someone being rushed to hospital- and with so little words being said. A stricken man by the name of Keith Richardson was hooked up to a life support machine this afternoon, after attempting to concentrate on a long winded story his girlfriend, Kelly, was telling him about her shopping trip with the girls, The Rambler can confirm.

“So, like, Sophie was pissed off because Jane had bought a similar pair of boots, they were like basically the same….”

This was how the story began, and Keith put on his normal faux-attentive face, ready to zone out and ask a couple of non-committal, routine questions about her day, so he could think about his football manager team line-up.

“Sophie didn’t say anything to us but I could just tell from the way she looked she could’ve killed Jane, I just knew she was annoyed….”

“Everything that Jane said Sophie would change the subject and suggest something different, I don’t think Jane realised how angry Sophie actually was about the boots but you know its like just a pair of shoes at the end of the day and if Sophie just said to her please return the boots because I don’t want us to clash….”

At this point something happened in Keith’s brain wiring and something must have short circuited because the next time Kelly stopped talking and looked at her partner, the man had slipped into unconsciousness on the sofa.

The paramedics attending quickly rushed the man to A & E.

 

 

Everyday People And Their Everyday Lives: Meet Aubyn, The Tattoed, Pug Owning Jam Maker

It is hard to know where British culture will end up in the next fifty years, but the days of heart warming Clover adverts that made butter emotional and cheap but cheerful Little Chef restaurants are coming to an end.

Move over Alan Partridge, Great Britain has just got a whole lot cooler. The rise of this new culture can be seen on every high street from Strathclyde to Bournemouth. Men and women are carrying miniature dogs and are getting inked up with permanent tattoos whilst trying to be artisanal as possible.

Our lifestyle editor happened upon an advert by a start up preserve company, Die Hard Jams, in a magazine about beard care, Trimmed, and hastily arranged an interview with one of the founders, Aubyn White. We caught up with him at his flat near Brixton High Street.

“I’ve never really worked a day in my life, because of mum and dad, but now that Brixton is gentrifying they bought me this flat so I could get on the property ladder, which is when I had this great idea for a Jam company”

At this point our interviewer was jumped on by two hungry pugs, Teeny and Tiny. Unfortunately the intern we sent is allergic to dogs and had to finish the interview in considerable pain, and quite quickly.

“You know, Jam is as British as Hugh Grant or traffic, so I thought why not found a start up, with organic ingredients with traditional flavours, marketed at cosmopolitan hipsters. We even have an idea for a Jam Emporium/bar.”

Suddenly the interview abruptly stops. The dictaphone continued recording but all we could hear was our stricken intern running through the pure cream, minimalist flat, followed some heavy coughing and a bit of vomiting before it stops.

For all your cutting edge cultural news, keep following the Rambler.