Brexiteer Builder Just Realised 90% Of His Employees Will Leave After Agreement Reached

Grimsby builder and UKIP voter, Carl Smith, 42, today had a stark revelation that most of the people he has employed will either have to return home or choose to leave after a Brexit deal is agreed.

Always vocal in the local about how immigration has ruined this country, it hasn’t stopped him from employing cheaper European labourers- for the benefit of his building company.

‘This country is called Great Britain, not much about it is great anymore, we have opened our borders for far too long and the snowflake lefties are taking over, letting the Islamics and their ray guns introduce Sharia Law’ He states over a pint of bitter.

‘Our men didn’t fight and die for this during World War 2, just shocking that. Can’t even go to supermarket these days without feeling rage, Polish and Kosher sections? My word this country has gone to the dogs’ He says sadly, voice etched with anger.

When asked why he has employed so many Eastern Europeans, he responds,

‘No brainer that, they are willing to work for peanuts all hours of the day, much harder working and more productive than the soft English lads’.

So what happens when they all leave?

‘Yeah, haven’t really thought that far ahead, the wife wants a water feature on our driveway but it could be awhile.’

Quite the conundrum.

 

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Boris Johnson Found In Coffee Shop Writing New Manifesto Surrounded By Model Bridges

This week has been a strange week for news, everyday, the blonde rugger lover and rapscallion Boris Johnson, has somehow managed to appear in daily headlines. But as we head towards the end of the week, the Foreign Secretary was reported as missing from office this morning as news broke he is related to a sex mad noble from the 18th Century.

Westminster Officials and Police teams spent hours looking for the distinguishable man until they were tipped off by the owner of a greasy spoon cafe not far from the Palace.

Eye witness reports have been confirmed that a fat blonde man in a suit had spent hours sitting in a lonely corner of the cafe. Apparently writing what appeared to be a manifesto he was overheard muttering to himself ‘dole bludgers’ and ‘bridges everywhere’ before spending some time trying to build model bridges, tongue sticking out in concentration, without much success.

‘It was barmy’ says the cafe owner,

‘I knew who he was soon as he walked in, he offered me £15 and a model bridge to keep quiet, which I took obviously, but after seeing what he was up to, I notified the authorities’

‘He tried to order flour soup and well hung pheasant but I had to remind him that those dishes were Victorian and hadn’t been sold for well over a hundred years’

We managed to catch a few words from Boris as he was escorted back to work by his aides,

‘Well this is rather bumfuzzling, the cafe owner is a gubbins, a no good flibbertigibbet, a down right bloviate, I may have bibbled a little bit but I am not a snollygoster, no matter what he says, I was not writing a new manifesto for my own Bridge Party nor I am trying to push for the Premiership’

Mr. Johnson did in fact have a notebook pressed closed to his chest with the words ‘B.Js secrets’ scribbled on the front with child like drawings of famous bridges.

More follows.

 

Student Can’t Believe How Naive Younger Self Was

There are times in life that make you stop and look back at who you once were. This is exactly what is happening to Clara McHarvey, an English Lit student at the University of Sussex.

The 21 year old can’t believe how naive she was just a few years ago when she still listened to Justin Bieber, bought scrunchies and thought eating pick and mix sweets whilst watching a film at the local entertainment complex was ‘civilised’.

Now she lives in student digs sharing with a couple of friends from her course and some nocturnal stoners who haven’t seen the sun for awhile.

“It’s so great living independently’ says the newly nose pierced Clara, whose parents pay her rent.

‘Finally I feel like I can explore who I am, you know’ She continues, after taking a puff from her rollie.

Before she wore leggings and Adidas trainers, now she wears polka dot dresses and DM boots.

‘Can’t believe the hair I used to have’ She replies when asked about her style. Now she has had a fringe cut in, she won’t look back.

Showing us around her room, she shows off her Blue Velvet poster and copies of cult penguin classics such as One Flew Over The Cuckoo Nests and To Kill A Mockingbird. She says she is just getting into David Lynch films as well.

‘My music taste is really eclectic now, I have fallen in love with The Smiths and The Grateful Dead, often I listen to grime or trap music, I even go to grime nights now, just to feel edgy’

They grow up so fast.

 

 

 

Man Surprised And Impressed He Made It Into Work Today

Weekend rock n roller, Sam Cartwright, had a somewhat smug, yet tired, look on his face when he successfully managed to make it to his mug littered desk on time this morning.

Not quite remembering what he did over the weekend due to being blackout drunk for 39 hours straight, the hung-over Londoner sat at his desk, trying to piece together his weekend.

‘To be honest with you’ He begins telling our reporter, full of toxic masculinity,

‘I went for beers on Friday lunch time around 1pm and the next thing I know was my alarm waking me up at 7am this morning. Bloody madness.’ He laughs enthusiastically as only a ‘lad’ can at the extremeness of his drinking and the potential danger to his well being.

Knocking back the haggardness with two double espressos and a bacon sandwich with a satisfying belch, he carries on,

‘I kinda have this hazy memory of being in some rave surrounded by naked people being drawn by other people, proper funny haha’ He laughs off his shame again, while his co workers adjacent to him grimace quietly.

Turns out he wasn’t at a rave but actually a Neon Light Life Drawing event that is taking place in London this month.

When asked if he would do the same this weekend,

‘Are you mad, of course I will, I am just a lad at the end of the day’ He smiles fondly.

 

 

 

Forgotten Sandwich Toaster Reminisces About The Good Times

Gathering dust with old grease spots all over it, one destitute sandwich toaster tries to remain positive- even though he hasn’t been used for over 18 months.

“I liked the good old days” He remarks softly,

“Before the days of vegans and celebrity diets, counting calories and zumba classes”

Apparently the forlorn appliance was used almost every other day and had pride of place by the kettle on the counter. Now he has been replaced by a trendy juicer and a kitchen full of fruit and vegetables.

“Just once more I would like to toast bread and melt cheese, do what I was born to do, there’s life in these hot plates still, I made people happy for christ sake” He says dryly, clutching a shaking cigarette.

How long he will languish at the back of the cupboard is anyone’s guess.

 

Bayeux Tapestry A Lie Says Farage

Spokesman of the common folk and a man in touch with the times, Nigel Farage, has today announced that the Bayeux Tapestry is a ‘bunch of b*llocks’ and our ancestors would have never lost so easily to the stinky French.

He says it was a cover up of a large defeat at the hands Harold Godwinson who sent the French nonces packing, back to their perfumeries and egotistical poetry. Believing it to be part of a wider conspiracy by the French to change the course of history and exclaim that William of Normandy was the actual winner of the battle and thus the new King of England.

Conspiracy or no, the annals of history are in agreement that the French have owned England since 1066 and have suggested that they made English cuisine what is it today.

‘This is the very reason I campaigned for Brexit in the first place, the frogs have been hood winking us for almost a thousand years. It’s about time we showed them we know they have been hiding behind that tapestry for too long. We will not be ruled by some French fancies living hundreds of miles away!”

According to Nigels version of history, it was Harold and his hard nuts who beat the foppish effeminate knights of Normandy.

No historian we contacted said this holds even a grain of truth.

Trumps Doctor: POTUS In Good Health For An Obese Racist Misogynistic Sociopath

As usual, the fattest President in history has caused another stir this week after his first medical exam was conducted by the White House Doctor. The outspoken president has always spoken of his superior, if not genius mental well being and even took to twitter to prove his intelligence. This time around it was his physical well being in question.

We managed to speak with the physician who is tasked with the health of the hefty, aging man.

“Well, yeah, you know as a man who eats three triple burgers and a gallon of chocolate milk for dinner everyday, he is in the shape he is expected to be in. Which is the shape of a man who eats shit everyday and has shit for brains”

According to aides close to the president, he has a portable burger stand follow him around the golf course, just in case he needs some more diet coke or to chow down on an over sized corn dog.

When his doctor advised going on a diet, the leader of the free world has promised to cut down on Big Macs and eat more Filet O Fishs as well as change milkshake flavour to strawberry.

Rising Tory Politician Reveals Poor People Are Too Stupid To Have Children

MP for Mansfield, Ben Bradley, caused quite the stir today when a previously published blog post from 2012 revealed that he has normal conservative views. In the wake of the comments, the rising Tory star has been heavily criticised and has been quick to quash his remarks saying he has ‘matured’.

Keeping in lieu with the rest of his parties opinions about the general population, Ben,  writing on a personal blog, remarked that people who are ‘unemployed wasters’ should have a vasectomy instead of relying on the Welfare State. The poor people are to blame for the country’s ills.

It is well known that his party are not for the common people, and the young Ben, who was promoted this week, said people have a choice not to have children and should use the free NHS service to get the snip, otherwise we will be ‘drowning in a vast sea of unemployed wasters’. Positively Orwellian.

Rather unsurprisingly he was appointed as Tory vice chairman for Youth this week. He been tasked with changing the parties image to attract more young voters, who in their droves voted for an old white guy, Jeremy Corbyn, in 2016, whose politics stem from the early 20th Century and have never changed.

Cuts to communities, education and housing that the Conservative party have introduced in a decade of austerity should hopefully cut the number of poor people in this country as well, if all goes to plan for them. More money for the needy.

 

 

 

 

Brace Yourselves UK: The Weather Mongers Are Back

In keeping with tradition, Britain’s newspapers are once again hyping up the weather this winter in order for us to tut at the state of it over our breakfasts after reading the numerous and often repeated news stories.

With shock headlines and pictures of cars covered in snow that leave little to the imagination, forecasters have warned at the most there will be a light dusting of snow.

It is unfortunate that most of the snowfall will occur north of Manchester, thus leaving the rest of the country with nothing but the usual rain, and most of the newspaper readers disappointed. As well as the Scottish people laughing at us behind their sledges and snowmen at the idiocy of our national tabloids.

This appears to be happening year after year and readers are neglecting to read the small print (the actual article) and using the headline as conversation material with their peers and colleagues.

The country is wet and windy, and sometimes we get some crap snow and until climate change really starts fucking things up, we will have to settle with what we’ve got.

Thoughtful Housemate Picks Up New Kettle On Way Home From Night Out

Being full of alcohol can bring out the worst, most destructive parts of our sober selves, however, young Vincent “Vinny” Cartwright found out early this Sunday morning that he does in fact have a heart of gold.

Saturday night, as usual, was a heavy one for the 3rd year accounting student, and it seems that his New Year’s resolution to ‘be more nice’ was not forgotten about, even after consuming dangerous levels of jager-bombs.

Usually the last home from a night out, with this night being no different, our unlikely hero didn’t head home until well after dawn. Much to the surprise of the drunken student, he found himself in the middle of a damp field, surrounded by people at a local car boot sale.

The beer goggled man with loose change in his pockets decided to peruse the jumbled wares. After much thought, in a moment reserved for the more altruistic of our society, Vinny purchased a second hand kettle for his household. Feeling full of pride, he inspected the kettle before emptying the contents of his stomach into it. Security promptly escorted him off site.

“Unbelievable” said one of the security guards.

“He asked us if we wanted a cuppa back at his” Chirped his mate.

Upon returning home, hours later, the thoughtful man had the idea of quietly making his housemates a cup of tea each, the first be-more-nice moment of the year. Sadly things took a turn for the worst for kind Vinny.

Stumbling over a chair and going arse over tit, he woke next to kitchen bedroom sleeper, Harry.

“As usual, he did it again,” Stated the haggard housemate.

Harry recalls having to wrestle the kettle from Vinny’s grip as the drunken man was trying to fight the chair he had found himself stuck in whilst also trying to boil his vomit, thinking it was water for tea.

“We are going to force him to do dry January, as well as get rid of the kettle” Another housemate, Tim, has said in the aftermath of the event.