Man Buys Self Help Book, Doesn’t Help Himself

Today it can be confirmed that 25 year old Timothy Wretchington, who is going through a quarter life crisis, bought a self help book by a leading guru, as a means of finding a way out of these current doldrums.

He graduated with a First Class Honours Degree in Philosophy from Bristol but since then has struggled with the existential weight of his existence.

“I have done everything I can think of, broke up with my girlfriend of seven years thinking she was the problem…..I went around the world, to India, Australia, Latin America and didn’t post one picture to Instagram. That didn’t help either, my mum actually thought I was dead because I had gone quiet on social media… I bought this book….”

The self help book listed improving your emotional vocabulary and to break visceral reactions, or to just try looking a pictures of kittens playing.

His housemates can confirm that it hasn’t worked,

“Nah, he is still the same, could be all the weed he smokes though…”



Strong Batches Of Cocaine & MDMA At European Dance Festival Actually Just Over The Counter Chemicals From Local Pharmacies

They danced into the night, shuffling in white socks while clouds of glitter floated through the air. They sweated, flirted and felt euphoric. They returned to their tents a mess, gurning as the sun came up, and slept until it went.

Now as unusual as this may sound, this happens all summer on our shores and all over Europe. The popularity of festivals has grown so much they are not just attended by peace loving, tripped out hippies with a penchant for rock n roll. Now they cater for everyone.

At a dance festival in Eastern Europe this weekend, popular with the white middle class English, a particularly strong batch of cocaine was reported as making people have the best time they have ever had, anywhere. This feeling of ecstasy spread over the festival site as word got round and the local dealers made a killing.

Tom Love, as he likes to be called, 24, from Windsor, who went to the festival had this to say when we spoke to him at Gatwick Airport this morning on his return from the continent.

“Mate I am still buzzing so much! Can’t believe what a good time we all had, I think I danced bare, for three days straight. I dread to think what its going to be like when I start coming down..

….Hopefully my father won’t find out, but I am already planning on going back out to another festival in a couple of weeks instead of starting my masters, which is what my parents wanted”.

He wasn’t the only one to express such sentiments as The Rambler found out after our reporter was offered a threesome by a pale sweaty couple who were still gurning. Needless to say our man booked himself a plane ticket there and then, thinking of nothing but finding the source of these drugs.

What he found there, was dissapointment. He tracked the drug gang down to a dodgy barn in the woods, somewhere in northern Bulgaria and confronted them with his dictaphone. The gang it turns out, was just a man called Borislava, who had done pretty well in school chemistry classes, and his mangy cat.

He explained, in good English, that the reason he sold the drugs was because of his sick grandmother, whose medical care was very expensive and this was the only way he could afford it. He made the drugs and paid local kids to be the pushers. He insisted he was helping the village economy.

What he said next quite shocked our reporter when he revealed that he purchases all the necessary ingredients from a small pharmacy just round the corner of his house.

“Yes, I have never even seen cocaine or ecstasy I just googled a simple recipe and copied it. I don’t even know a proper dealer.”

Our man asked why people thought it was so good,

“No idea, it might be the talcum powder….”

After a word with our editor in chief, the reporter has decided to take himself around European festivals for the rest of the summer, actually trying to find some real drugs.

Stay updated at The Daily Ramlber this summer for more related stories.



Every Day People and Their Everyday Lives: Meet Talbot The Tiddlywinking Morris Dancer

In our in most current section, the aim is to meet the average Britain to see what they get up to on a daily basis. This week our lifestyle and culture reporter was sent deep into the West Country to see what she could find. After three days she managed to find some wi-fi at a deserted Little Chef just outside of Ilminster to tell us she hadn’t found anyone.

But then the man who cleared her coffee cup with a barely recognizable ‘thank you’ seemed just about as everyday as you could get. So taking a chance she asked if he was game to be a feature for Everyday People and Their Everyday Lives, to which he replied,

“Oh err oi dunt knuw aboot thurt i never ‘eard of no rambler paper, buts why the hull nawt!” with a typical country smile showing little teeth.

The man in question, Talbot Winterbottom, 72, of Frog Lane, Dinnington has lived in the hamlet all of his life. In fact he has never been further then ten miles from home. This is because of his love for two things. The once great national game of Tiddlywinks and the traditional dancing of the Morris. And that’s all a man needs he says.

When you think of Morris Dancing, images of aging men with ale bellies and their alewives dancing and whacking sticks in the many lost villages of England, come to mind, and that’s exactly how it happens.

Sadly Talbot’s dance group has lost many of its members due to things like arms bums & tums and Jazzercise becoming more popular, even among the geriatrics of Deep Somerset. He began, what is known in the industry as prancing the Morris, at the age of 9. Since then he has never faltered a dance .

Through his passion for bells and neckerchiefs he found his other great love, Tiddlywinks, and was actually alive for the birth of the modern game in 1955. He is the longest running member of The Dinnington Winking Tiddlers Team. They have never won a game.

(Translated from the original dialect)

“Ever since I can remember I have been dancing and working my wrists. See there isn’t much round here by way of fun for a young lad. My father passed during the Second War due to a case of severe dysentery. My mother thought I might have been homosexual, she figured it was phase but when I kept dancing she realized what I loved. . .

I have seen the decades come and go, but the Morris endures till the end, as does the tiddly winks. I promised my late wife that I wouldn’t stop skipping and flicking, and I haven’t. I will do this to my last breath.”

As cities grow and technology consumes us, this old man still burns the flame bright for a culture that is being replace. He endures in this green corner of England.

Toodle-pip, Talbot.





Trump and Kim Jong-Un Compare Size of Genitals: Results Eerily Similar, Negotiations End

Today reports are reaching us from officials in Washington and Pyongyang of a momentous moment in the current political climate. Just when the world thought it would be plunged into another proxy war to liberate a supposedly oppressed people, the leaders of the two quarreling countries resolved the issue in a somewhat surprising, prepubescent, school yard way. They compared penises.

Apparently the meeting took place in the infamous DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) between North and South Korea, and was the first of its kind. Amid rising diplomatic tensions, sporadic missile tests and flamboyant media posturing, not even the leading international relations experts could have predicted this.

As generals from both countries were preparing themselves for violent conflict, it seems that what’s been the legs of both leaders has quelled war. The aftermath of the meeting has rocked the world’s press. Details of the meeting are somewhat shady, with the nitty gritty being left out by both parties.

From what little information we have gathered so far, we know that both the Supreme Leader and the Leader of the Free World, talked in the Joint Security Area. The aims of the meeting weren’t released before it took place but in a joint press conference directly afterwards, both parties could confirm :

“After intense, heated talks lasting over five hours, the leaders of our countries asked for the room to be cleared, leaving them alone, they came to a climatic conclusion, with what they say was the easiest way to resolve differences and avoid war. . .”

As the report suggests, it seems that at the same time both men pulled their members from their trousers and laid them on the table. The two men were shocked at the similarities both sets of genitalia had, and in fact called in their most trusted advisers, such was the disbelief. Trump was heard yelling from the room “HEY, GET A LOAD OF THIS!!”.

White House Staff can confirm that the length and girth of both members are exactly the same, but details of actual measurements has been left out, that’s for their wives one press officer joked. We do know that they are below the global average for a penis.

As the old saying goes, there is a little bit of truth in every joke, as Melania and Ri were immediate flown to the room amid the incredulity of the President and Supreme Leader. It is not known how this event will affect global diplomacy. Insiders from both parties are calling for a re-measurement, with no short answer forth coming.

The political world reached a furore in wake of the meeting, with many world leaders condemning the act. Although going against the grain, President Emmanuel Macron of France couldn’t hide his disappointed at not being invited, and with classic Gallic flair had this to say:

“I hope when there is another sausage party I will be invited otherwise I will bomb the fuckers….”

Stay tuned for more as it develops.





Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.


Imperialist Politician Apologises For Using Rascist Rhetoric Pretending To Be Member Of Progressive Party

At a Think Tank event in London today, held by Politeia, only attended by Conservative politicians, MP Anne Maris Morris, couldn’t hide her rascism. The event which topic was Brexit’s impact on the UK financial services industry, was a heavily Tory affair, in every way.

Apparently, totally-out-of-character-completely-by-accident, said the phrase, whilst being recorded (probably unknowingly),

“Now we get to the real n*gger in the woodpile, which is in two years what happens if there is no deal”

The phrase, which originates from the American South in the 19th Century where black people were used as slaves to profit a few rich white people and their dogs, seems to be alive and well today.

Of course the rest of the Conservative Party have condemed her words, saying they aren’t rascists at all and would never even think such nasty, archaic slurs.

Her fellow panellists neither corrected her nor stopped her, in fact, they sat in silent agreement.

Theresa May has suspended her member for Newton Abbott, but Rambler insiders are saying that Anne was seen boarding a flight to the Bahamas late this afternoon for some R & R.

Perhaps the walls of Westminster are reverberating today after the shock comments and that European Colonial mentalities are being stirred because of her unreserved imperial attitudes that have existed since the crusades, maybe before. This paper thinks not somehow.

Sadly, more to come.



Vegan Terrorist Attack At Butchers On Australia’s “Meat Coast”

Quite disturbing news is reaching us this morning from the East Coast of Australia, where a butchers shop came under attack by a group of radical vegans, calling themselves V.A.G (Vegans against Gore).

The shop, wittily named, The Squealing Pig, was broken into in the early hours and several tons of couscous were deliberately poured from a trailer through the shops front door. It is not known how many perpetrators there are or how they managed to obtain several tons of the African food.

When the owner, who does not want to be named in case of further violence, came to open this morning, he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

“Up to my neck these grains were, had to swim through them just to turn the alarm off, unfortunately I got stuck and was suspended upside down in the couscous, luckily I felt something on my foot and it turned out to be a meatball from yesterday so I nibbled on it, and it kept me going until lunchtime, when I was rescued”

Police efforts to locate the terrorist group have come to no avail so far, with Gold Coast Police on high alert after the vegans dubbed the famous stretch of the country the “Meat Coast” after the attack.

Reports are coming in from Nimbin Police, that a shady group of individuals in a colourful magic bus run on vegetable oil passed through the town about an hour ago, but officers didn’t do much because its Nimbin and its, well, Nimbin.

Apparently a pair of hemp trousers fell from the bus, now awaiting forensics.

Fortunately no one was hurt during the attack but Myers next door has confirmed that some of the food got onto their shop floor.



Office Worker Drinks Water From Protein Shaker: Colleagues Confirm He Works Out

Bulky Stephen Hargreaves, a white collar worker, frequents the gym, it has been confirmed today by his co workers.

The spreadsheet guru, has himself confirmed he works out as much as possible. The reason for drinking water out of a protein shaker is because it reminds him of much he loves exercise and how it makes him feel like less of a dead-shit.

Even though the company he works for supplies their workers with a fully fitted kitchen with glass ware, cups and numerous water dispensers, Stephen chooses to stay hydrated in his own unique way.

Always keen to put his name down for fun runs and 5 a side football tournaments, it finally clicked with his co workers that he is, in his own words, a fitness fanatic.

Janine Daily, who sits opposite him, had this to say:

“I always thought it was quite weird- he used to go and come back from the loo doing arm stretches all the time”

“Not to mention that when he waits for the printer, he does this bobbing or squatting thing up and down, up and down until his document has printed”

It remains to be seen what this new found acknowledgement for his activities will do to the man.


Tennis is Boring Says Professional Tennis Player

Bernard Tomic, a tennis player from the once great sporting nation, Australia, who after just having lost his first match at Wimbledon 2017, said tennis was boring.

Claiming he was bored out there and didn’t even try until the final set, which he still lost convincingly, stunk of sour grapes. The soppy star said it was just a job before a journalist remarked that nobody would know who he was without tennis.

A Rambler insider at SW19 says gossip is rife in the locker rooms that Tomic had the hump because Caroline Wozniacki refused to play the ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game, before the tournament began.

Close mate and fellow first round loser, Nick Kyrgios, said this:

“He’ll come good, there’s always Tinder”




‘Housing Market is impossible’ Says Millenial Who Just Bought £1500 Leather Jacket

Stuart Smith, 29, a database enhancer salesman, who lives in South Kensington, scathingly attacked the government and the economy today, over his second flat white of the morning. Speaking to a Rambler reporter in the first article for our new section, “Everyday people and their everyday lives”, Stuart opened up about the struggles of being a millenial.

“I’ve lived in Kensington since I graduated from Durham, and without the help of a friend of my fathers, who got me a job, I wouldn’t even be here”

“You know I dream of owning my own property or two, a cottage in cornwall or chalet in France for ski season, but I dont think they will ever be achievable. Everything is so expensive these days, I mean this jacket I’m wearing cost me £1500! How am I ever supposed to save for a house”

He is not the only millenial to express such concerns, and the way the market is going, a certain creek with no paddle comes to mind as its destination.

“Maybe its the way I live my life, I am quite hedonistic you see, and I love a good weights session but the price of protein powder is crazy!”

The Rambler contacted the database expert’s father, over video conference calling, from his compound in the Bahamas,

“Boy needs a good thrashing if you ask me.” Taking a big puff of his cuban, he refused to elaborate and ended the call.

Everyday people and their everyday lives will be back next week.