Forgotten Sandwich Toaster Reminisces About The Good Times

Gathering dust with old grease spots all over it, one destitute sandwich toaster tries to remain positive- even though he hasn’t been used for over 18 months.

“I liked the good old days” He remarks softly,

“Before the days of vegans and celebrity diets, counting calories and zumba classes”

Apparently the forlorn appliance was used almost every other day and had pride of place by the kettle on the counter. Now he has been replaced by a trendy juicer and a kitchen full of fruit and vegetables.

“Just once more I would like to toast bread and melt cheese, do what I was born to do, there’s life in these hot plates still, I made people happy for christ sake” He says dryly, clutching a shaking cigarette.

How long he will languish at the back of the cupboard is anyone’s guess.



Bayeux Tapestry A Lie Says Farage

Spokesman of the common folk and a man in touch with the times, Nigel Farage, has today announced that the Bayeux Tapestry is a ‘bunch of b*llocks’ and our ancestors would have never lost so easily to the stinky French.

He says it was a cover up of a large defeat at the hands Harold Godwinson who sent the French nonces packing, back to their perfumeries and egotistical poetry. Believing it to be part of a wider conspiracy by the French to change the course of history and exclaim that William of Normandy was the actual winner of the battle and thus the new King of England.

Conspiracy or no, the annals of history are in agreement that the French have owned England since 1066 and have suggested that they made English cuisine what is it today.

‘This is the very reason I campaigned for Brexit in the first place, the frogs have been hood winking us for almost a thousand years. It’s about time we showed them we know they have been hiding behind that tapestry for too long. We will not be ruled by some French fancies living hundreds of miles away!”

According to Nigels version of history, it was Harold and his hard nuts who beat the foppish effeminate knights of Normandy.

No historian we contacted said this holds even a grain of truth.

Trumps Doctor: POTUS In Good Health For An Obese Racist Misogynistic Sociopath

As usual, the fattest President in history has caused another stir this week after his first medical exam was conducted by the White House Doctor. The outspoken president has always spoken of his superior, if not genius mental well being and even took to twitter to prove his intelligence. This time around it was his physical well being in question.

We managed to speak with the physician who is tasked with the health of the hefty, aging man.

“Well, yeah, you know as a man who eats three triple burgers and a gallon of chocolate milk for dinner everyday, he is in the shape he is expected to be in. Which is the shape of a man who eats shit everyday and has shit for brains”

According to aides close to the president, he has a portable burger stand follow him around the golf course, just in case he needs some more diet coke or to chow down on an over sized corn dog.

When his doctor advised going on a diet, the leader of the free world has promised to cut down on Big Macs and eat more Filet O Fishs as well as change milkshake flavour to strawberry.

Rising Tory Politician Reveals Poor People Are Too Stupid To Have Children

MP for Mansfield, Ben Bradley, caused quite the stir today when a previously published blog post from 2012 revealed that he has normal conservative views. In the wake of the comments, the rising Tory star has been heavily criticised and has been quick to quash his remarks saying he has ‘matured’.

Keeping in lieu with the rest of his parties opinions about the general population, Ben,  writing on a personal blog, remarked that people who are ‘unemployed wasters’ should have a vasectomy instead of relying on the Welfare State. The poor people are to blame for the country’s ills.

It is well known that his party are not for the common people, and the young Ben, who was promoted this week, said people have a choice not to have children and should use the free NHS service to get the snip, otherwise we will be ‘drowning in a vast sea of unemployed wasters’. Positively Orwellian.

Rather unsurprisingly he was appointed as Tory vice chairman for Youth this week. He been tasked with changing the parties image to attract more young voters, who in their droves voted for an old white guy, Jeremy Corbyn, in 2016, whose politics stem from the early 20th Century and have never changed.

Cuts to communities, education and housing that the Conservative party have introduced in a decade of austerity should hopefully cut the number of poor people in this country as well, if all goes to plan for them. More money for the needy.





Brace Yourselves UK: The Weather Mongers Are Back

In keeping with tradition, Britain’s newspapers are once again hyping up the weather this winter in order for us to tut at the state of it over our breakfasts after reading the numerous and often repeated news stories.

With shock headlines and pictures of cars covered in snow that leave little to the imagination, forecasters have warned at the most there will be a light dusting of snow.

It is unfortunate that most of the snowfall will occur north of Manchester, thus leaving the rest of the country with nothing but the usual rain, and most of the newspaper readers disappointed. As well as the Scottish people laughing at us behind their sledges and snowmen at the idiocy of our national tabloids.

This appears to be happening year after year and readers are neglecting to read the small print (the actual article) and using the headline as conversation material with their peers and colleagues.

The country is wet and windy, and sometimes we get some crap snow and until climate change really starts fucking things up, we will have to settle with what we’ve got.

Thoughtful Housemate Picks Up New Kettle On Way Home From Night Out

Being full of alcohol can bring out the worst, most destructive parts of our sober selves, however, young Vincent “Vinny” Cartwright found out early this Sunday morning that he does in fact have a heart of gold.

Saturday night, as usual, was a heavy one for the 3rd year accounting student, and it seems that his New Year’s resolution to ‘be more nice’ was not forgotten about, even after consuming dangerous levels of jager-bombs.

Usually the last home from a night out, with this night being no different, our unlikely hero didn’t head home until well after dawn. Much to the surprise of the drunken student, he found himself in the middle of a damp field, surrounded by people at a local car boot sale.

The beer goggled man with loose change in his pockets decided to peruse the jumbled wares. After much thought, in a moment reserved for the more altruistic of our society, Vinny purchased a second hand kettle for his household. Feeling full of pride, he inspected the kettle before emptying the contents of his stomach into it. Security promptly escorted him off site.

“Unbelievable” said one of the security guards.

“He asked us if we wanted a cuppa back at his” Chirped his mate.

Upon returning home, hours later, the thoughtful man had the idea of quietly making his housemates a cup of tea each, the first be-more-nice moment of the year. Sadly things took a turn for the worst for kind Vinny.

Stumbling over a chair and going arse over tit, he woke next to kitchen bedroom sleeper, Harry.

“As usual, he did it again,” Stated the haggard housemate.

Harry recalls having to wrestle the kettle from Vinny’s grip as the drunken man was trying to fight the chair he had found himself stuck in whilst also trying to boil his vomit, thinking it was water for tea.

“We are going to force him to do dry January, as well as get rid of the kettle” Another housemate, Tim, has said in the aftermath of the event.


Prime Minister To Invite 2500 Homeless Wandsworth Children Around Hers For Christmas

In stunning fahion, during the last PMQs of the year, Mrs. May appeared to be completely and utterly dismissing the question about the 2500 homeless children of Wandsworth by stating  “…They won’t all be sleeping on the streets”, but little did the House know at the time what she would do next.

Speaking from the damp pavements of Downing Street just minutes ago, the stricken, baggy eyed leader extended an invitation of Christmas cheer to all 2500 homeless kids of Wandsworth, to spend the Christmas week at her house. Where they could gorge on over priced chocolate and TV reruns.

She claimed that in the spirit of the season, she and her husband would be throwing open their doors and filling every nook and cranny with those less fortunate than themselves.

The childless couple have already been busy ordering their aides and personal assistants to go out and stock up for the festivities as they are making the house ready for arrival of thousands of street kids.

Quick to downplay the move, she commented that it wouldn’t cost much and the couples Christmas bonuses would probably just about cover all the eating, drinking, toliet accidents and vomiting.

And also most importantly, the medical costs that will ensue due to most of the children being in exteremly poor health due to their circumstances, which will be paid for privately as the NHS waiting lists this time of year are appalling.

It seems that finally, and for the first time during her rocky tenure as Prime Minister, she is showing genuine, humble leadership and love for her people.



Supermarket Chain Iceland To Sponsor Harry’s Royal Wedding

In times of government induced austerity, where people in their droves are using food banks and universal credit payment won’t reach thousands until after the new year, the most elite family in the country will also be spending a little less this summer as well.

A Buckingham Palace spokesperson in an official statement announced today that the upcoming marriage between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be sponsored by a national supermarket chain.

“Today the Palace is pleased to announce that the 2018 Royal Wedding will be, for the first time, a sponsored event, with the contract being given to the Iceland Food Group. The betrothed have both warmly spoken of their love for the £1 tempura prawns and vegetarian spring rolls that the frozen goods chain sell, and would happily have them served to foreign dignitaries and celebrity figures”

Appearing to be down with the times, the Windsor family are tightening their belts for this particular special occasion, with the food costs estimated at somewhere in the tens of thousands. It is thought that profit for the low cost freezer store will sky rocket.

Don’t forget to use The Rambler to keep up with all the world’s most vital news.

Confirmed: Wayne Rooney Retires From Football To Continue Working In Garden Centre

English footballing ace and confident drink driver, Wayne Mark Rooney, today has confirmed that he will no longer be lacing up the boots, but instead be selling geraniums at the garden centre he has been working in as part of his community service sentence.

The shock move came just months after the freckled scousers drink driving conviction in September where he was ordered to complete 100 hours of unpaid work.

“Honestly, I was really enjoying it, the plants and stuff really chilled me out and I found myself proper relaxed by it all, love having a name badge on my uniform as well.”

Currently earning £150,000 a week, the former Manchester United star has said he will be using some of his lucrative wages to open up a chain of garden centres in the next few years.

“Yeah, it’ll be great, call it Wayne’s Gardens and have a Rooney’s plant care range, really pleased with myself!”

Coming soon to a retail park near you.


This Christmas Local Man Can’t Wait To Use New Delivery App To Deal With Presents

Male homo sapiens don’t often respond well to the forced duty of having to buy things for their loved ones on special occasions and many crumble at the pressure of the heightened consumerism during December time.

But not today,  housing development resident, George Pie, an IT guy, has smashed the pre conceived notion that men’s stereotypical Christmas present buying is lacklustre.

“Yeah, well, basically, I just downloaded the company named after a jungle’s app on my phone and got everybodys presents in one order, so easy and simple, even bought myself a thing or two, came the next day, don’t know what all the fuss is about, the digital age is great”

Surrounded by delivery boxes our man said he wasn’t going to bother removing the global giants packaged parcels and just stressfully cellotape wrapping paper around the mailed gifts so they look like a cat had a fight with every single one.

“Even bought the wrapping paper and cellotape in the same order” He says with a cheeky smile.

Christmas in George’s house is sorted.