Man Stumped By Ikea Furniture Assembly Instructions; Attempts Task Anyway

There are some things in life which perplex the average man from time to time, such as using an ironing board, being conversational with the in-laws or why swearing isn’t allowed at an U15 football match on a Sunday morning.

Defying logic, a bright eyed specimen of the masculine variety succesfully managed to complete a genuinely horrific task this Saturday afternoon, where most men fall flat on their faces, filled with grumpy testosterone.

That’s right, run-of-the-mill bloke, James Talbot triumphantly assembled a child’s bunk bed after much cursing and hurling of cheaply made nuts and bolts.

“Listen mate, I am just relieved it’s over, took me over six hours to get all the little bits in place, the instruction manual might as be written in Swedish!”

Not wanting to distress the man further, our reporter deigned from mentioning that the instruction booklet only has pictures in it as guidance, as it was deemed by a board of experts that worded instructions would cause untold frustration.

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Gap Year Girl Returns Home With Corn Rows and Severe Flax-seed Addiction

A matter of 12 months ago, bright faced Samantha Watkins left her family home in Wetwang, Yorkshire for a dream come true trip around the world during her gap year, which mummy and daddy paid for. Sadly for Sam, the experience didn’t go quite as expected.

After travelling most major European cities with a promise to buy a floppy hat and move to Paris after university, her journey took a slightly off-key turn. After arriving in Thailand to meet a friend of a friend, she found herself amidst a group of open minded, white, European Liberals. She had this to say:

“They were friendly and made me feel welcome when I arrived and I was like quickly part of the group, like, we had banter and stuff, like, I felt really cool suddenly…”

“They were really chilled people and one guy was so hot, I, like, immediately fancied him, he was tanned and toned and had like the longest curliest hair, ever”

However, things began to get sinister on her first night in the South East Asian paradise, when the sun went down and the party started.

“To be honest I don’t really remember much after the first meal we had before we went to the beach party. Sebastian, the guy I really fancied, asked me if I wanted to try this brown stuff called flax seed, and like, course I said yes because he was so hot! He sprinkled it over my plate and I could see how many coconut husk rings had he on, that he had made himself!”

Sadly for Sam her memory was hazy from that moment, apparently she travelled all over South East Asia without recollection. It was only after her return to Blighty when she looked at the photos on her phone, the seeds of memory sprouted and it came back to her. She spent three months in Noosa on Australia’s Sunshine Coast, eatingand drinking Flax seeds with every meal.

Months went by without her family hearing a word, which is when her older brother flew to the other side of the world to find her. Allegedly he found her accosting staff at a local juice bar in Noosa pleading for more flax seeds. They flew home immediately.

Her family have been caring for her ever since and she is lined for a rehabilitation centre.

It seems the dangers of Flax seeds are unknown, taken in vast quantities it can have untoward effects.

Watch it out there, gap year kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jacob Rees-Mogg Concerned With Big Ben’s Silence Over Drinking Fears

Yesterday marked the first day of the silencing of Big Ben, for a number of years the clock will not be able to tell the time and confuse Londoners as a result. This is due to the current alcoholism that the clock has found itself in after falling off the wagon a bit and developing a taste for single malt. A rehab team has been sent in to try and sort out the problem.

However, no one is as outraged as the Conservative MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, referring to it as the greatest tragedy of our time. He insists that the clock should be allowed to keep drinking as it has every right to do so.

The PM, whilst not happy with the idea, didn’t think it good for the country’s image to have an alcoholic clock as one of its main tourist attractions and feared global backlash after the clock began to slur at innocent bystanders.

Whilst other problems of this green and pleasant land, like child poverty and the GP crisis, pale into insignificance compared to the national treasures alcoholism.

More to come.

 

 

 

Television Now More Entertaining When Thrown Off Roof

One of the country’s favourite cultural past times, watching television, has come under a dramatic turn of events.

Every night since Love Island finished, TV sets have been found smashed in their hundreds, up and down the country. It can be confirmed that people are getting bored waiting for the new series of X-factor to start again, and are fed up with the new prime time show, Cats Doing Silly Things. A powerful insight into the people of Great Britain.

35 Year Old, Courtney Smith, had this to say after smoking half her cigarette in one puff,

“I was a TV addict now I can’t stand the thing, its bonkers….

“….used to love coming home after my long commute which involved three buses and tram ride to plonk down on the sofa so I could judge some people on TV, I remember getting upset if I missed even a minute. Now with this new cat show, its rubbish and I don’t get it…”

She says she will just have a bath and listen to old CD compilations she made as a teenager instead of tuning into the old box.

From Aberdeen to Southampton, cities and towns are being filled with the vestiges of visual entertainment, it seems now the entertainment comes from throwing them from a roof or high place.

Police have issued a warning after several men were arrested in London following their successful attempt to throw a good handful of televisions from Tower Bridge, with one even landing on the deck of a tourist boat. Apparently one Australian traveler asked if it was a local fish.

 

 

Every Day People and Their Everyday Lives: Meet Talbot The Tiddlywinking Morris Dancer

In our in most current section, the aim is to meet the average Britain to see what they get up to on a daily basis. This week our lifestyle and culture reporter was sent deep into the West Country to see what she could find. After three days she managed to find some wi-fi at a deserted Little Chef just outside of Ilminster to tell us she hadn’t found anyone.

But then the man who cleared her coffee cup with a barely recognizable ‘thank you’ seemed just about as everyday as you could get. So taking a chance she asked if he was game to be a feature for Everyday People and Their Everyday Lives, to which he replied,

“Oh err oi dunt knuw aboot thurt i never ‘eard of no rambler paper, buts why the hull nawt!” with a typical country smile showing little teeth.

The man in question, Talbot Winterbottom, 72, of Frog Lane, Dinnington has lived in the hamlet all of his life. In fact he has never been further then ten miles from home. This is because of his love for two things. The once great national game of Tiddlywinks and the traditional dancing of the Morris. And that’s all a man needs he says.

When you think of Morris Dancing, images of aging men with ale bellies and their alewives dancing and whacking sticks in the many lost villages of England, come to mind, and that’s exactly how it happens.

Sadly Talbot’s dance group has lost many of its members due to things like arms bums & tums and Jazzercise becoming more popular, even among the geriatrics of Deep Somerset. He began, what is known in the industry as prancing the Morris, at the age of 9. Since then he has never faltered a dance .

Through his passion for bells and neckerchiefs he found his other great love, Tiddlywinks, and was actually alive for the birth of the modern game in 1955. He is the longest running member of The Dinnington Winking Tiddlers Team. They have never won a game.

(Translated from the original dialect)

“Ever since I can remember I have been dancing and working my wrists. See there isn’t much round here by way of fun for a young lad. My father passed during the Second War due to a case of severe dysentery. My mother thought I might have been homosexual, she figured it was phase but when I kept dancing she realized what I loved. . .

I have seen the decades come and go, but the Morris endures till the end, as does the tiddly winks. I promised my late wife that I wouldn’t stop skipping and flicking, and I haven’t. I will do this to my last breath.”

As cities grow and technology consumes us, this old man still burns the flame bright for a culture that is being replaced. He endures in this green corner of England.

Toodle-pip, Talbot.

 

 

 

 

Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.

 

Imperialist Politician Apologises For Using Rascist Rhetoric Pretending To Be Member Of Progressive Party

At a Think Tank event in London today, held by Politeia, only attended by Conservative politicians, MP Anne Maris Morris, couldn’t hide her rascism. The event which topic was Brexit’s impact on the UK financial services industry, was a heavily Tory affair, in every way.

Apparently, totally-out-of-character-completely-by-accident, said the phrase, whilst being recorded (probably unknowingly),

“Now we get to the real n*gger in the woodpile, which is in two years what happens if there is no deal”

The phrase, which originates from the American South in the 19th Century where black people were used as slaves to profit a few rich white people and their dogs, seems to be alive and well today.

Of course the rest of the Conservative Party have condemed her words, saying they aren’t rascists at all and would never even think such nasty, archaic slurs.

Her fellow panellists neither corrected her nor stopped her, in fact, they sat in silent agreement.

Theresa May has suspended her member for Newton Abbott, but Rambler insiders are saying that Anne was seen boarding a flight to the Bahamas late this afternoon for some R & R.

Perhaps the walls of Westminster are reverberating today after the shock comments and that European Colonial mentalities are being stirred because of her unreserved imperial attitudes that have existed since the crusades, maybe before. This paper thinks not somehow.

Sadly, more to come.

 

 

Vegan Terrorist Attack At Butchers On Australia’s “Meat Coast”

Quite disturbing news is reaching us this morning from the East Coast of Australia, where a butchers shop came under attack by a group of radical vegans, calling themselves V.A.G (Vegans against Gore).

The shop, wittily named, The Squealing Pig, was broken into in the early hours and several tons of couscous were deliberately poured from a trailer through the shops front door. It is not known how many perpetrators there are or how they managed to obtain several tons of the African food.

When the owner, who does not want to be named in case of further violence, came to open this morning, he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

“Up to my neck these grains were, had to swim through them just to turn the alarm off, unfortunately I got stuck and was suspended upside down in the couscous, luckily I felt something on my foot and it turned out to be a meatball from yesterday so I nibbled on it, and it kept me going until lunchtime, when I was rescued”

Police efforts to locate the terrorist group have come to no avail so far, with Gold Coast Police on high alert after the vegans dubbed the famous stretch of the country the “Meat Coast” after the attack.

Reports are coming in from Nimbin Police, that a shady group of individuals in a colourful magic bus run on vegetable oil passed through the town about an hour ago, but officers didn’t do much because its Nimbin and its, well, Nimbin.

Apparently a pair of hemp trousers fell from the bus, now awaiting forensics.

Fortunately no one was hurt during the attack but Myers next door has confirmed that some of the food got onto their shop floor.

 

 

Office Worker Drinks Water From Protein Shaker: Colleagues Confirm He Works Out

Bulky Stephen Hargreaves, a white collar worker, frequents the gym, it has been confirmed today by his co workers.

The spreadsheet guru, has himself confirmed he works out as much as possible. The reason for drinking water out of a protein shaker is because it reminds him of much he loves exercise and how it makes him feel like less of a dead-shit.

Even though the company he works for supplies their workers with a fully fitted kitchen with glass ware, cups and numerous water dispensers, Stephen chooses to stay hydrated in his own unique way.

Always keen to put his name down for fun runs and 5 a side football tournaments, it finally clicked with his co workers that he is, in his own words, a fitness fanatic.

Janine Daily, who sits opposite him, had this to say:

“I always thought it was quite weird- he used to go and come back from the loo doing arm stretches all the time”

“Not to mention that when he waits for the printer, he does this bobbing or squatting thing up and down, up and down until his document has printed”

It remains to be seen what this new found acknowledgement for his activities will do to the man.

 

Tennis is Boring Says Professional Tennis Player

Bernard Tomic, a tennis player from the once great sporting nation, Australia, who after just having lost his first match at Wimbledon 2017, said tennis was boring.

Claiming he was bored out there and didn’t even try until the final set, which he still lost convincingly, stunk of sour grapes. The soppy star said it was just a job before a journalist remarked that nobody would know who he was without tennis.

A Rambler insider at SW19 says gossip is rife in the locker rooms that Tomic had the hump because Caroline Wozniacki refused to play the ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game, before the tournament began.

Close mate and fellow first round loser, Nick Kyrgios, said this:

“He’ll come good, there’s always Tinder”

Controversial.