Never one to shy away from tradition, the plump President of the United States has unequivocally announced the ongoing acknowledgement and commitment to the Palestinian people, that has served the oppressed people so well in the past.
“We pledge our awareness and understanding in maintaining the cramped, makeshift shelters their people have been living in for generations.” Stated Trump, standing in front of a 12 foot Christmas tree in the White House, adorned with candy canes and twinkling lights.
Promising to fight for the over crowded communities of displaced people to always have tattered tents without basic human necessities, these dilapidated shacks devoid of electricity or adequate plumbing, are the sovereign right of the Palestinian people, the rotund ginger politician confirmed.
In a brief moment of clarity, 44 year old Tony Gregson, began to feel shame for his weed smoking, which he has habitually done since he was 17. It might be the fact that he has to “pick up” from someone who is actually 17, which is giving him the self doubt.
Buying drugs can be awkward at the best of times, especially given the criminality involved.
“Look, I hate it, every fortnight I have to meet him either at his dingy basement flat with hippy rugs adorning the walls or I have to hop in his aging ford escort that smells like weed and dogs, then he drives a lap around the block, just in case we are being followed, for f*ck sake”
Many of Tony’s friends quit the habit due to having to buy drugs off people half their age, but Tony’s love for the herb runs deep.
“Everytime I go and see the little sh*t, I swear it’s the last time I do, I have had enough of sitting on his stained sofa with his crusty mates, while they smoke blunts, play Grand Theft Auto and eat sweets”
Gregson just can’t fathom why he keeps going back, particularly after last time when he was cornered by two red eyed teens frothing at the mouth about 9/11 and how it was an inside job, and that his tap water is most likely is making him conform to society’s rules.
After the POTUS twitter account yesterday retweeted three videos from the convicted racist and deputy leader of the bully gang, Britain First’s Jayda Fransen, the internet went into meltdown, The Rambler can sadly report.
As incoherent as the President of the Free World normally is, this particular nuance of the overweight, vain politician isn’t surprising in the slightest. Never diverging from his racist rhetoric, he once again confirmed what we already know; that he is an imperialist hate monger, reiterating the centuries old orientalism that exists in the hearts and minds of our leaders and indeed, ourselves.
Driving the divisive hate on social media, by retweeting unconfirmed videos of groups of Muslim men violently abusing poor, white victims, the Ginger man firmly swung himself into the mix with this country’s most vile, dare I say it, “political”, groups. These videos were first published on a Dutch right wing groups website, in 2013 and have been retweeted by the criminal Jayda and now Trump.
Unfortunately it isn’t surprising and this whiteness will most likely continue until either the President is impeached or him and his favourite pal, Kim Jong-un blow up the world with their small dick syndrome.
Universities are places of isolated debate, sexually transmitted diseases, bias curriculums and cult like fraternities, as sophomore, Ryan Clint Drewmoore discovered in his first semester at Columbia University in New York State.
“Well, basically it all begin with a girl, who is originally from New England, a traditional Democrat hotbed, and I come from South Texas, where people don’t know anything other than Republican…and guns”
Having recently been converted to the liberal saviour, Bernie Sanders, by his new flame, he knew returning home would be climatic but he didn’t expect to see a side dish of wet carrots go flying past his aging aunts face as she tried to dissolve herself from the dining room table argument.
“All I said was maybe homosexual people aren’t ill and that’s the way they feel instead of choosing to be that way” Revealed the exasperated yet hopeful student.
“You know I thought they would respect me enough to just listen to what I was saying, they don’t have to agree with it, god it’s like people in the real world don’t understand debate”
Ryan admitted his father had even brought a side arm to the table, wearing a MAGA baseball cap who referred to his son as a snowflake an estimated 36 times during the course of the Thanksgiving meal.
The first year student now says all this holiday has given him is guilt and shame.
During the week where the 2017 budget is released, our fashion belle PM, rather tangentially announced a forthcoming television appearance for her and Philip. The quiet, dour, husband of Theresa, has the look of a man who has been dealing with an oppressive marriage, silently, for a long time and hasn’t sworn or passed wind at the dinner table since the late 1980s.
According to the makers of the hit primetime TV programme that is hugely popular with students and the unemployed, the Conservative politician has been trying to get a slot on the voyeuristic reality show for many years.
It comes as quite a shock as to why the pale, tired looking power couple want to show themselves to the public in such a way, but we can only assume the Honourable Member for Maidenhead wants to rub shoulders with X-factor cast offs and average daytime TV presenters.
In a candid interview we held with a source close to Mrs May (not Philip) in a public toilet cubicle, he stated that the PM wants to show the nation her cooking skills and how delicate her vol au vents are. As well as wanting to compete with rumours that the Leader of the Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, will be appearing on Gardeners World.
While many of our esteemed readers continue to scratch their heads and wonder how they found themselves in an increasingly oppressive, heavily surveilled pre-apocalyptic society, the Rambler was glad to find it’s not all bad news.
While the world goes to hell in a handbasket, The George Orwell Trust – the estate of the late Eric Blair – continues to increase turnover year on year at a quite astounding rate.
“We owe it all to greedy, terrified elites” said Trust spokesman, Giles Ballbag, “who demand an ever increasing control over the lives of their people whilst simultaneously making the notion of the commons into a joke by squeezing public space and turning debate into a flurry of homespun logic and people screaming “obviously” down a microphone. Without them, we don’t know what we’d do!”
“Every time someone calls a situation ‘Orwellian’ the books fly off the shelves, and our cash stocks go through the roof. Next year we’re releasing a copy with a foreword by Tony Blair who says the book was very influential on him. We’re hopeful someone will call it Orwellian, boosting sales even further.”
“Thankfully people seem to be more satisfied simply knowing they’re fucked, rather than going about the bother of making change. If they did that we’d all be out of a job!”
We at the Rambler know exactly what they mean.
A man contacted us today with a rather open account of what he has to go through on a daily basis, due to his height and standing in the world. Bricklayer, Small Man, 38, of St. Alban’s, had this to say, in a Rambler exclusive:
“Some days its just so hard, dealing with this syndrome, I’ve had it since I was a kid. I am only 5’1 ft but I constantly get urges and become irritable when I have to talk into people torso’s all day long. One day an old lady thought I was a lost child and walked me to the police station, I didn’t have the strength to fight her off and escape.”
Hard to control, then.
“I went to the doctors but the GP said it was a natural phenomena and cannot be fixed. Going to the pub has become a nightmare.”
This paper can only sympathize with Small Man but maybe this open account of what it is like will bring more men forward with their stories.
Receptionist Samantha Hamilton, 32, of Milton Keynes, today has struck proverbial gold, and it is only Monday morning. Being a lover of coffee has made this day extra special for the desk jockey, as her Starbucks loyalty card was stamped before work she realised that she had drunk £15 worth of Lattes, and is now entitled to a free coffee.
As pleased as punch, Sam spent her first hour at work sipping on her still lukewarm over caffeinated latte thinking of how special the moment will be tomorrow morning when she doesn’t have to pay for it and concluded the happy feeling will get her through the rest of her usual Monday, which includes being condescended by a still drunk from the weekend manager and having to cop shittiness from the general public.
“Just can’t believe it,” Said the blouse wearing woman, “I didn’t even clock it until the barista told me, I felt like a kid at Christmas”
It’s the little things in life.
Icon of rock and roll music and former Oasis frontman, Liam Gallagher, has today announced he will no longer be making music and instead be using his unique voice on West End stages, The Rambler can exclusively reveal.
Yes, that’s right, the former 90s Brit-pop bad boy has decided to pursue the dream of having a starring role in a hit musical. We caught up with the outspoken Mancunian over a Mocha in Notting Hill.
‘To be honest with you, it’s always been my dream, you know what I mean man, getting up on that stage but in a different way, you know what I mean, belting out Lion King songs and that to all the tourists and that, f*cking great that, you know what I mean”
Apparently Liam has called on the services of Andrew Lloyd Webber to advise him on his new found path and the first task that the theatre legend gave him was to learn the entire back catalogue of Disney songs.
Passionate Gallagher says rehearsals have already began and he is aiming to be performing in his first pantomime by Christmas 2019.
Celeb friends such as Ian Brown and Anthony Joshua have endorsed the move.
Keep up to date with LG’s new career here at The Rambler.
Wales is place of stunning landscapes, abandoned coalmines, violent drinking and rugby mediocrity. Little is known of its other cultures, and one particular underground scene is shaking up the traditional view of the almost unknown country.
Specifically music, and hip-hop music at that. Powered by lager and Ginsters pasties these men of the valleys have lyrical passion in their veins, as it is widely known that all Welsh people can sing pretty well, especially when in large groups. The country has a rich history of hip hop with such crews as Goldie Lookin’ Chain and Ruffstylz legends of the stage.
We spoke to Alun Jones aka MC Smokez of the Young Leeks Crew:
‘You know rhyming lyrics is in my blood, I am the voice of the street on my estate, all the kids look up to me, most of the time I just stand on the pavement while a crowd gathers round me and I spit verses to the masses!”
According to the national TV Channel S4C, there are plans for an X-Factor style show, solely focused on the emerging rap talent the country has in abundance, with the title set to be announced as Rap Along With The Boyos.
Watch this space.