‘Local News Actually Pretty Scary If You Think About It’ Says “Woke” New Intern

Every large enough community in this country has it’s very own news source, featuring publications in localities from every county such as the Shittington Dispatch (Bedfordshire), the Brown Willy Times (Cornwall), the Hole Bottom Observer (Yorkshire) and the Bell End Bugle (Worcestershire).

Even though they sound like pubs from Harry Potter, they all have much in common, as one millennial found out when he started an unpaid internship at his local rag, The Twatt Enquirier (Orkney).

“To be honest” He says blowing smoke from his cherry flavoured vape into the air, “I didn’t really pay much attention to the local news before I got this job after uni, and the editors don’t really pay much attention to me either but I didn’t realise how dodgy my neighbourhood was after seeing how much crime is reported on around here.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy” He continues, “The amount of burglaries, assaults and muggings that get reported on is actually really high, daily the headlines scream murder and peadophiles, kinda scared to go outside now haha” he jokes.

Seemingly forgetting the old age media mantra “if it bleeds, it leads” this bright eyed intern must have been smoking a few cones during his degree and skipped the basics of modern journalism, before deciding to pursue a career in something he actually knows nothing about even though he studied it for 3 years.

“Probably going to start my own newspaper but only report on happy stuff, think it’s a good idea?” Before our reporter could respond the intern presses her,

“Can you get me a job?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dad Still Chuffed To Bits About His New Cycling Lycra

There are somethings that middle aged men should never be seen wearing in the cold light of day. Feigning to care about his wife and childrens disgruntlement, one intrepid dad opened his wallet and took on the challenge of squeezing into genital and buttock constricting lycra shorts. Usually designed for much smaller frames than the current one he has enlarged over the years.

Inspired by the droves of lycra clad dad bodies that have taken to cycling on roads up and down the country en masse, a sight which has made many an eye water, this father of two says he feels a new lease of life. His wife says he needed to get out of the house more but sadly, this was not what she had in mind.

‘She makes me take my kit to my friends house before getting changed into my gear, she says that the kids shouldn’t see their father in such ridiculous clothing that is made for younger athletes….’ He bemoans.

Dad reckons his families adversity to his new hobby just gears him up for more power pedalling with his new cycling buddies. He won’t just stop at the lycra he says,

‘My cycling Whatsapp group has been firing today and a couple of the lads think they’re going to invest in some aerodynamic helmets, they look pretty cool so might get one myself’.

His kids just roll their eyes and wonder how long before he adds the new lycra and racing bike to the dusty golf clubs in the garage.

Trump’s Response To White House Correspondents Dinner: ‘Gingers Have Souls Too’.

Another year, another dinner for media folks at the White House. The leader of the richest country in the world has yet to make an appearance at the infamous dinner for a second year running.

A lot could be said about the POTUS and his non attendance but it’s worth remembering that the fat ginger man cannot take a joke. Instead the toupee wearing politician held a rally for his supporters in Michigan.

It was at this rally that Donald criticised the event and the large number of jokes that were directed towards him and his administrative staff by a top notch comedian. Trumps speech about the event was eerily similar to a YouTube video by a bullied ginger teen called ‘gingers do have souls’ that went viral.

Swallowing a lump in his throat before he spoke, an emotional Trump had this to say:

‘Ahem, excuse me, got a little worked up there. These words are for all those bullies and nasty people, having their important little dinner in my house. Well I say this to you, gingers have souls to! We have feelings and we get hurt by words just like you. This is why I wanted to hold this rally because you are my friends and they aren’t my friends.  They are no good poop talkers, they don’t have a clue about anything’.

During the speech, the rotund man began to get quite animated and flailed his arms around, gesticulating his points. Sadly for the president but for the amusement of the public, Donald managed to pull the stage curtain down around him. He stayed upright under the weight of the curtain and even ran in a few circles, yelling ‘Hey who turned out the lights? Are they trying to bump me off like JFK, help me!’.

30 seconds later he collapsed due to exhaustion before his bodyguards rescued him amid a screaming audience.

 

 

 

 

Outrage: Student Ticks Shops Entire Stock Of Pot Noodle & Condoms, Still Hasn’t Paid Debt Back

Small businesses are the mainstay of any local economy and for the humble shop owner it can be hard to keep afloat in such turbulent times for the high street. One student at the University of Lancaster has been put on the naughty list by a Newsagent owner who runs a shop near the leafy university campus.

“I thought he was a nice young lad, been coming in here for a couple of years, I’ve watched him grow up a bit I have, which is why I am surprised he has rubbed me up the wrong way.” Said shop owner Garry Coles.

Apparently the student in question had been a regular in the shop, coming in almost daily to buy his vitals, like a copy of Max Power magazine and a discounted, out of date can of soft drink.

“We used to chat a bit about this and that, he was really into falconry for some reason, he’d tell me all about the birds and how to train them to hunt. It was quite interesting but thought it was a bit weird seeing his was from inner city Manchester.” Revealed the bald shopkeep.

Things turned sour a couple of weeks ago when the friendly student asked for a favour. Reportedly his loan had run out and he asked if he could purchase, on tick, the shops pot noodle and condom stock.

“It struck me dumb to be honest but he was a friendly chap who came in quite often so I thought why not, it’s only £22.75 and didn’t think I would be waiting long to get the money back. That were 2 weeks ago now. Bleeding student waster- what’s he gonna do with 24 chicken and mushroom pot noodles and a 12 pack of ribbed johnnies”.

We contacted the University for comment but they have remained silent on the issue.

 

Member Of Parliament Says Westminster Is ‘More Sordid, Slightly Posher Malaga Behind Closed Doors’ In Bare All Exclusive

An anonymous MP has given us a whistle blowing account of the goings on within the walls of power in this country. Meeting him at a Holiday Inn just outside of Slough he spoke at length about the sordid affairs of parliament over a 2.99 continental breakfast, most likely claimed back in expenses.

Talking to us through mouthfuls of flaky croissant and slurps of freshly squeezed orange juice, he told us of Westminster secrets.

‘If the public knew what went on behind closed doors, we would have a full blown revolt on our hands.’ He says as pastry crumbs spray the table we sit at.

‘Some evenings it may as well be clothing optional, lots of pale naked bodies giggling as they run through dark corridors. Last week a hedonistic UV foam party was held, I can tell you now the PM was there dressed in latex, top to tail, leading her husband by a chain, who dressed up as a dog’.

‘The Foreign Secretary is the worst offender though, he is a ring leader for the debauchery that occurs on almost a daily basis. He requested that £10,000 be spent installing a Jagermeister pump in the Commons Smoking Room.’ He continues at pace.

‘Remember the scandal surrounding old Cameron and the pigs head? How we laughed at that, as its rather innocent compared to what some of the Peers get up too,’ Joking over his finished breakfast.

‘….It’s basically just a slightly posher Malaga behind closed doors, the plebs might think they have their fun, but oh no, I can guarantee you, the parties here are beyond most people’s wildest dreams, all held at the taxpayers expense….’

The Rambler now begins the task of ascertaining whether or not what he speaks of is truth or lies, it could just be a tool of distraction to avoid more Brexit woes, but having heard the tales and seeing the glint in the PMs eyes recently, one would suggest it at least holds a grain of truth.

 

 

 

 

 

Man Loudly Tells Whole Carriage How Good His Weekend Was

Despite being horrendously hungover and far too chipper for a Monday morning, a young office working male has loudly told the rest of his fellow commuters just what he got up too this weekend.

‘Ah mate it was messy, just such good fun’ He says loudly into his headphones, looking around to see who is listening whilst also trying to appear casual.

He continues to a rapt audience of tired workers, who fill the carriage around our man, and are just there for him, really.

‘Can’t believe Whitey tried to shave that dog, like where the hell did it even come from?’ He throws his head back and laughs, cologne just about masking the smell of stale beer.

‘Won’t be drinking again…..until next weekend!’ He jokes, winking at the woman sitting opposite him, who just threw him a pained grimace, which he misreads as a flirty glance.

Rees-Mogg Wants Hoop & Stick, Pass The Slipper Back In Schools

As the 21st century continues at pace, while the very fabric of society rots in front of our eyes, one particularly enlightened politician, a certain Jacob Rees-Mogg, has weighed in his two cents on how to improve our current predicaments.

In a rousing speech in his local constituency this morning, where he mentioned the battle of Agincourt at least twice and touched on the idea of bringing back rationing and spam for post- Brexit Britain. However, the most important topic of the speech was the games our children play at school.

Always one to shy away from modernity, the privately educated posh boy glasses wanker, blamed computer games, junk food and Jeremy Corbyn amongst other things for the problems teachers, parents and carers face when trying to raise little ones.

In a twenty minute segment, he went into great detail about the necessary importance of reintroducing Victorian games back into schools. With great passion he espoused the games of hoop & stick and pass the slipper.

‘These games will re-instill the lost identity of our great peoples’ He concluded.

When our reporter contacted Ofsted for comment, they waved the idea away as foolish, saying that in most schools, children could not be trusted to play nicely with big sticks and slippers, citing the fact that the equipment would be used for hitting one another, rather than the traditional playing of the games.

 

 

 

 

 

How British: Man Makes Eye Contact On Public Transport, Instantly Embarrassed

There are many things that bring us together as Britons, such as baked beans, car boot sales, mild discontentment at queueing, tutting at the news and chicken korma. However, a distraught man contacted our news desk this morning with news that is truly sickening.

The man in question actually made eye contact with a stranger on a train. Apparently they were sitting across from each other when the stranger dropped their phone on the floor. Being nice enough to pick it up and hand it back to the fellow train rider was the mistake. At the same time as looking up, the stranger looked down, where they locked eyes for almost three seconds.

What followed was an tensely awkward round of ‘thank yous’ and ‘don’t mention its’ as the pair fought furiously with their internal embarrassment. Both involved stared out of the window for the remainder of the five minute journey.

There are stories we are reluctant to print, and this article is one of them, but we are proud of our Britishness here at The Rambler.

 

 

Favourite Mug Wishes It Was Washed More Often

Being the simple creatures we are, we become attached and comfortable with objects that we like to name our ‘favourite’, but little time is given to the objects themselves and whether they like you back or not. For one particular beverage mug, the past two years have been hell.

‘I think I was given as a birthday or Christmas present, a few years ago but I can’t remember,’ She says through a mouth crusted with tea and coffee stains.

‘Please just at least rinse me out, I am better than this.’ Sobbing quietly she pleads with our journalist.

The owner in question is a recruitment consultant, 28, working in Guildford.

‘I used to live at his home, with my friends and I always came out of the dishwasher looking like a brand new me, but I was shoved in his gym bag and taken to a new place, which turned out to be his work desk. I am the only mug around, he hasn’t washed me for months.’ She concedes morosely.

With the man more interested in playing candy crush while his manager isn’t looking, it seems it will be sometime before the mug is washed.

 

 

Grandad Misses The 70s

There’s nothing like a trip down memory lane, especially for an old timer who was actually there. Graham McGooch, nearly like the cricketer but not quite, was actually alive during the 1970s.

In fact the grey haired peak cap wearing man was a geography teacher back in the day, he was in his prime, with locks like Kevin Keegan and suits like Elton John. We met him at his desired spot, on a park bench while he was feeding the pigeons, like he does every morning, he admits he finds solace with his bird friends.

‘There weren’t another decade like it.’ He begins,

‘It was great being able to comment on a female colleagues bust or having a cheeky grope at the Christmas party, no one would bat an eyelid. Nowadays you’d have 17 court cases and your face all over that social media’.

‘National television was the same, sexist and racist jokes, they say it was discriminatory but I just found it funny. Youngsters don’t know how good they’ve got it.’

‘I miss the food he continues, meat and two veg every Sunday, corned beef sandwiches in the week, lots of brandy butter at Christmas. Now it’s just tikka masala this and organic that, they’ve disgraced British food, in my honest opinion.’

Several hours later, after listening to very unpolitically correct opinions, our intern managed to escape after claiming he was going to get them some tea so they could carry on chatting the day away.

This may have insulted the man somewhat as he left a rather long winded answer phone message on our newsdesk and has promised to take a complaint to Ofcom.