An anonymous MP has given us a whistle blowing account of the goings on within the walls of power in this country. Meeting him at a Holiday Inn just outside of Slough he spoke at length about the sordid affairs of parliament over a 2.99 continental breakfast, most likely claimed back in expenses.
Talking to us through mouthfuls of flaky croissant and slurps of freshly squeezed orange juice, he told us of Westminster secrets.
‘If the public knew what went on behind closed doors, we would have a full blown revolt on our hands.’ He says as pastry crumbs spray the table we sit at.
‘Some evenings it may as well be clothing optional, lots of pale naked bodies giggling as they run through dark corridors. Last week a hedonistic UV foam party was held, I can tell you now the PM was there dressed in latex, top to tail, leading her husband by a chain, who dressed up as a dog’.
‘The Foreign Secretary is the worst offender though, he is a ring leader for the debauchery that occurs on almost a daily basis. He requested that £10,000 be spent installing a Jagermeister pump in the Commons Smoking Room.’ He continues at pace.
‘Remember the scandal surrounding old Cameron and the pigs head? How we laughed at that, as its rather innocent compared to what some of the Peers get up too,’ Joking over his finished breakfast.
‘….It’s basically just a slightly posher Malaga behind closed doors, the plebs might think they have their fun, but oh no, I can guarantee you, the parties here are beyond most people’s wildest dreams, all held at the taxpayers expense….’
The Rambler now begins the task of ascertaining whether or not what he speaks of is truth or lies, it could just be a tool of distraction to avoid more Brexit woes, but having heard the tales and seeing the glint in the PMs eyes recently, one would suggest it at least holds a grain of truth.