Weekly Report: Tories Culling Uglier, Less Appealing MPs In Attempt To ‘Make Party Handsomer’

This week the Conservative Party have been shrouded in controversy as ministers resign over past misdemeanours in shocking revelations. It seems the older more established MPs, who are about as pubicly appealing as a bucket of gonorrhea, are being shown the door, our correspondents have confirmed.

They are being replaced by the next generation of pale, tired looking men in suits. This new wave of Tory politician wouldn’t look amiss walking through the Slytherin common room at Hogwarts or approving a loan with crippling repayments to a pensioner.

In an attempt to give the party more sex appeal, these men of the people who remind us of that weird guy we met at a house party, who had an unhealthy knowledge of serial killers and their crimes, are taking up power in Westminster.

Our PM has a penchant for the younger man, it seems.

We contacted Michael Fallon for a quote but we were told he was away in the Bahamas on a supposed business trip.

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