Girlfriend Tells Story About Shopping Trip- Boyfriend Rushed To Hospital In Coma

Not many conversations end with someone being rushed to hospital- and with so little words being said. A stricken man by the name of Keith Richardson was hooked up to a life support machine this afternoon, after attempting to concentrate on a long winded story his girlfriend, Kelly, was telling him about her shopping trip with the girls, The Rambler can confirm.

“So, like, Sophie was pissed off because Jane had bought a similar pair of boots, they were like basically the same….”

This was how the story began, and Keith put on his normal faux-attentive face, ready to zone out and ask a couple of non-committal, routine questions about her day, so he could think about his football manager team line-up.

“Sophie didn’t say anything to us but I could just tell from the way she looked she could’ve killed Jane, I just knew she was annoyed….”

“Everything that Jane said Sophie would change the subject and suggest something different, I don’t think Jane realised how angry Sophie actually was about the boots but you know its like just a pair of shoes at the end of the day and if Sophie just said to her please return the boots because I don’t want us to clash….”

At this point something happened in Keith’s brain wiring and something must have short circuited because the next time Kelly stopped talking and looked at her partner, the man had slipped into unconsciousness on the sofa.

The paramedics attending quickly rushed the man to A & E.

 

 

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Everyday People And Their Everyday Lives: Meet Aubyn, The Tattoed, Pug Owning Jam Maker

It is hard to know where British culture will end up in the next fifty years, but the days of heart warming Clover adverts that made butter emotional and cheap but cheerful Little Chef restaurants are coming to an end.

Move over Alan Partridge, Great Britain has just got a whole lot cooler. The rise of this new culture can be seen on every high street from Strathclyde to Bournemouth. Men and women are carrying miniature dogs and are getting inked up with permanent tattoos whilst trying to be artisanal as possible.

Our lifestyle editor happened upon an advert by a start up preserve company, Die Hard Jams, in a magazine about beard care, Trimmed, and hastily arranged an interview with one of the founders, Aubyn White. We caught up with him at his flat near Brixton High Street.

“I’ve never really worked a day in my life, because of mum and dad, but now that Brixton is gentrifying they bought me this flat so I could get on the property ladder, which is when I had this great idea for a Jam company”

At this point our interviewer was jumped on by two hungry pugs, Teeny and Tiny. Unfortunately the intern we sent is allergic to dogs and had to finish the interview in considerable pain, and quite quickly.

“You know, Jam is as British as Hugh Grant or traffic, so I thought why not found a start up, with organic ingredients with traditional flavours, marketed at cosmopolitan hipsters. We even have an idea for a Jam Emporium/bar.”

Suddenly the interview abruptly stops. The dictaphone continued recording but all we could hear was our stricken intern running through the pure cream, minimalist flat, followed some heavy coughing and a bit of vomiting before it stops.

For all your cutting edge cultural news, keep following the Rambler.

 

 

Drunk Man Arrested After Trying To Prove He Can Run Through Brick Wall

Weekends, for the most part, are used by working people to get over the banality of the week. The majority usually spend it at their favorite pub or club, or are quietly annoyed because they have to dine out with the in-laws. However, one man found himself on the wrong side of the law in the early hours of Saturday morning, it can be revealed.

Having just consumed his usual from the kebab shop, Kevin Feltman, 19, a vending machine installer, was challenged by his friends to run through a brick wall on their way home after the drunk man had boasted about being the strongest in the group.

Young Kevin, being full of Stella Artois induced bravery decided he was big and tough enough to smash through the five inch bricks and come out the other side like some sort of Lager-Hulk.

Still sporting flecks of burger sauce in the corners of his mouth, a focused Kev ran as any drunken man can, feeling like Usain Bolt, looking like a mouse on skates, straight at the wall.

As you might have guessed, the poor young man didn’t manage to bust through the wall with a show of superhuman strength. He just managed to give himself a few grazes and concussion.

Not only did his friends find this hilarious, it so happened that a police car had been parked opposite and the officers had observed the whole thing.

The drunk was promptly stopped, having minor injuries and a dented pride. According to the police, he was adamant he could still do it and would prove everyone wrong, breaking free of the officers grasp. Sadly he had to be restrained on the floor and handcuffed, unluckily his face found a stray dog poo and was covered in it.

More weekend woes for Kevin, and a slow news day for the Rambler.

 

 

 

 

Brighton Council Reveals Thousands Spent Each Year On Ceaseless Task Of Removing Empty Baggies From Beach

The City of Brighton & Hove is an iconic seaside city with a famous reputation. However it can be revealed today that the council spends nearly all of its annual budget on employing a certain type of litter picker.

These servants of civility are tasked with the harrowing job of cleaning up the litter left the night before on the city’s pebbled beach. In a daily pre dawn huddle they can be seen preparing themselves for the job at hand. Most of the said litter is actually drugs baggies, now empty symbols of the night before. We spoke to Greg White, 37, head baggy picker and local man.

“I started this job around 4 years ago and its like ground hog day, every morning. I’ve worked at Glastonbury festival as a litter picker and I can tell you this is exactly the same, if not worst.”

He divulged that on one occasion a colleague managed to- somehow– ingest a fair amount of the drugs he was meant to be picking up.

“It was a bizarre sight, watching Dave the Gut, as we like to call him, prancing around on the pebbles like he was a fairy or something”.

Brighton is known for its night life and its casual, European-esque attitude towards recreational drugs. As our reporter discovered when he visited the place for a few hours, he was offered joints by passerby’s on their way to work and some ketamine by lovingly over zealous students still out from the previous night.

There has even been a petition put forward by local drug dealers for the council to begin a baggy recycling scheme, so they can be put back into circulation and help the local economy. We contacted the council a number of times for comment, but they have not returned our calls.

More will follow as the story develops.

 

 

Man Has Breakdown On Toilet After Forgetting Phone

A quite distressing moment caused a young electronic goods salesman to have a breakdown at work today.

Poor Jamie Doorman, 20, who had been saving his bowel movement for that right time so he could really relax and take a nice fifteen minute break from work found himself in a most dire predicament, which lead to a meltdown and him being sent home from his job.

The Rambler managed to find him at home, where he had this to say:

“Look, I don’t really know what to tell you, one minute I was looking forward to sitting down on the toilet, after I had been brewing it for some time, then next I realised I had left my phone in my locker, but by then it was too late and I had already started going….

“…I just sat and stared at the toilet door in front of me for what seemed like forever until I had forgotten how to think, which was really distressing and I just kind of broke down, and fell to the floor, which is where my manager found me, he had to flush the loo and carry me out….”

It seems young Jamie will have learnt his lesson from this catastrophe.

 

 

Local Man Calls 999 After McDonald’s Run Out of Chicken Nuggets

A distraught area man called our front desk today, blabbering incoherently about the lack of a certain kind of rectangular shaped meat from the world’s favourite fast food place.

According to his report, 23 year old Fred Little, unemployed, described a feeling of absolute disappointment and despondency after trying to order his favourite meal at his most loved restaurant, McDonald’s.

The cashier server had to break it to Fred that he would not be able to purchase his normally daily meal due to the fact that several children’s birthday parties had happened the day before and more than 700 nuggets were served to the screaming brats who were causing havoc around the establishment.

Poor Kevin, who was rooted to the spot, decided it was an emergency and immediately called the police.

The police unit who responded were apparently sympathetic to the unemployed man’s plight, with one officer even remarking that he wished their powers extended to being able to arrest the manager, due to the lack of nuggets.

Not wanting to cause a moral panic, before word spread, the understanding officers drove the crying Fred, in their patrol car, with sirens on, to the next nearest McDonald’s establishment, only a matter of minutes away, where he managed to procure a 6 McNugget meal.

This paper would like to thank those heroic boys in blue for coming to a stricken mans aid, and avoiding a potential riot.

 

 

Australian Wallabies Finally Remember To Do Job They Are Paid For

Tonight it finally clicked for the Australian Mens Rugby team, after a couple of years of looking lost on the pitch while they tried to play the game they earn thousands for, things turned around for them in a dead rubber match.

Following 805 days of losing to their smaller annoying brother nation, the mighty New Zealand All Blacks, they managed to beat them on a damp night at the old Lang Park, where the blood of old great’s mingles with the very soil they ran on.

Clarity and intent seemed to return to the faces of the men who wore the indigeneous jersey for the first time, maybe the Maori tradition that runs deep in the All Blacks rubbed off on the Wallabies, as they decided to recognise the fact that Aboriginal people are pretty good at rugby.

Realising that the All Black men weren’t drugged up robots in disguise as rugby players, the fear lifted and they began to remember the game they have been playing since they were children.

Micheal Cheika, head coach of the Wallabies, who shockingly wasn’t seen throughout the match due to an upset stomach from a particularly virulent curry he ate last night, kept him on the toliet for a full two hours. He allegedly had to give his half time team talk as he sat on the loo, had this to say:

“I’m stoked to say the least mate, go you good thing, think my bladder is finally empty, might go sip some green tea, slowly though”.

Here’s to the boys in green and gold tonight, as the Brisbane hotels run out of booze for dancing, middle aged men.

 

 

 

Gap Year Girl Returns Home With Corn Rows and Severe Flax-seed Addiction

A matter of 12 months ago, bright faced Samantha Watkins left her family home in Wetwang, Yorkshire for a dream come true trip around the world during her gap year, which mummy and daddy paid for. Sadly for Sam, the experience didn’t go quite as expected.

After travelling most major European cities with a promise to buy a floppy hat and move to Paris after university, her journey took a slightly off-key turn. After arriving in Thailand to meet a friend of a friend, she found herself amidst a group of open minded, white, European Liberals. She had this to say:

“They were friendly and made me feel welcome when I arrived and I was like quickly part of the group, like, we had banter and stuff, like, I felt really cool suddenly…”

“They were really chilled people and one guy was so hot, I, like, immediately fancied him, he was tanned and toned and had like the longest curliest hair, ever”

However, things began to get sinister on her first night in the South East Asian paradise, when the sun went down and the party started.

“To be honest I don’t really remember much after the first meal we had before we went to the beach party. Sebastian, the guy I really fancied, asked me if I wanted to try this brown stuff called flax seed, and like, course I said yes because he was so hot! He sprinkled it over my plate and I could see how many coconut husk rings had he on, that he had made himself!”

Sadly for Sam her memory was hazy from that moment, apparently she travelled all over South East Asia without recollection. It was only after her return to Blighty when she looked at the photos on her phone, the seeds of memory sprouted and it came back to her. She spent three months in Noosa on Australia’s Sunshine Coast, eatingand drinking Flax seeds with every meal.

Months went by without her family hearing a word, which is when her older brother flew to the other side of the world to find her. Allegedly he found her accosting staff at a local juice bar in Noosa pleading for more flax seeds. They flew home immediately.

Her family have been caring for her ever since and she is lined for a rehabilitation centre.

It seems the dangers of Flax seeds are unknown, taken in vast quantities it can have untoward effects.

Watch it out there, gap year kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Katie Hopkins Furious Las Vegas Shooter Is Not A Muslim

Shocking developments have surfaced over the sadistic, terrorist shooting that occurred last night in Las Vegas, the highest death toll since the Sand Creek Massacre in 1864, with Katie Hopkins outraged to learn the murderers name was Stephen Paddock and has no links to any Islamic terrorist organisations.

Now it’s hard to actually say what Katie does, except that she is somesort of public figure and says nasty things from time to time, clinging on to what little remaining cause she has left.

The controverisal figure, now well past her prime and full of superficial hope that she may still be taken seriously one day, is deplored by almost the entire country. Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference today, she told a group of journalists that it was a shock to learn of the shooters identity, because she couldn’t use it to further the imperialist rhetoric that basically, all brown people are terrorists.

Wearing the wedding dress from a previously failed marriage, the attention seeking bigot, also revealed why she had worn the out of place dress:

“You know I always like to make a statement, and to show the third year physics students I met over the weekend, that I am actually famous and will make headlines, with a bang, don’t you know.”

She went on to explain further that over the weekend she had quite drunkenly and un-surreptitiously tried to gate crash a student house party but wasn’t allowed in because no one knew who she was.

Apparently after a quick chat, they thought she was lying and had to be an undercover police officer or somebody’s mother. An eye witness statement confirms that she was seen promptly running down the street after an impromtu sing a long of “Oh Jeremy Corbyn” erupted from the living room.

Keep trying, Katie.