Local Man Swears Rubbish Collectors Out To Wake Him Up Every Tuesday Morning

Up and down the breadth of this great island of Albion, whether rich or poor, city or countryside, we share something inherent in common. Not the rich, green pastures of Chesington’s World of Adventures nor the great industrial beauty of the M25.

It is but the sound of a beeping rubbish truck emblazened in local council colours, coming to take our waste away. Collected by necklace wearing, tattoo sporting stigs of the dump. A great duty these men provide our society, however sometimes things can get sinister.

For a number of weeks now, local man David Spencer, 34, a second hand car salesman, has been slowly convinced that the team of yellow vested, beer bellied civil servants that take his used condoms away, are trying to wake him up, on purpose.

“Look, I’m not paranoid or nothing, its just that for a few weeks now I have been suspecting my rubbish collectors are out to get me.” We caught up with Dave in his studio flat inside a trendy new housing development, designed by the village architect, Alan Rench, just outside Acton Pigott.

“Ever since I had that house party which lasted for three days the other month, I get all kinds of noise when the rubbish men come round on a Tuesday morning. It’s not just the normal sounds of them doing their job, it’s like the blue man group most weeks now…”

Apparently sleepless Dave has lodged 37 formal complaints to the council but has received scant reply.

“Now I am going crazy just at the thought of going to bed on a Monday night. It could be something to do with 600 bottles of WKD Blue I left out there after the party but thats their job isn’t it?”

The council, releasing a brief statement after our current affairs reporter contacted them, had this to say:

“The allegations raised by Mr.Spencer in no way bare any substance or genuineness and the council refuses to take them into consideration. Looking into Mr. Spencer’s profile, there was a case filed against him by neighbourhood watch in 2015 for reapeatedly leaving his bin lid open allowing wild badgers to knock over the bin and shift through the trash.”

The village can talk of nothing else.

 

 

 

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