Game of Thrones Is Back: Internet Porn Traffic Down 4.5 Percent

Game of Thrones is back, so no need for the tissues this week. Season 7 of the world’s most liked medieval incest fantasy show, slowed down the main reason the world uses the internet for, pornography.

PornHub reported on Sunday evening that the normal traffic had slowed down by a considerable 4.5 percent. This is at a time when the pornography sites are usually at their most popular, with porn lovers logging on in huge numbers, as most of them have to return to work the following morning.

This is not the first time the show has out done one of the biggest industries, and will probably continue to rival the popularity of masturbation. However, not two hours after the show ended, traffic resumed as normal.

The Rambler contacted Ofcom to see if they had anything to say about the phenomenon, and it wasn’t much. One statistician was kind enough to say this:

“Look, realistically, its one or the other, self pleasure or swords and sorcery, just look at the timing and the traffic statistics from Sunday evening. Game of Thrones is pretty much pornography anyway, so it’s hard to tell the difference from a regulators point of view.”

In related news, fans of the show are calling for the death of Ed Sheeran after his awkward cameo in the first episode.

For all those who don’t like Game of Thrones, Sunday evening seems the best time to be logging on to the adult site.

 

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Imperialist Politician Apologises For Using Rascist Rhetoric Pretending To Be Member Of Progressive Party

At a Think Tank event in London today, held by Politeia, only attended by Conservative politicians, MP Anne Maris Morris, couldn’t hide her rascism. The event which topic was Brexit’s impact on the UK financial services industry, was a heavily Tory affair, in every way.

Apparently, totally-out-of-character-completely-by-accident, said the phrase, whilst being recorded (probably unknowingly),

“Now we get to the real n*gger in the woodpile, which is in two years what happens if there is no deal”

The phrase, which originates from the American South in the 19th Century where black people were used as slaves to profit a few rich white people and their dogs, seems to be alive and well today.

Of course the rest of the Conservative Party have condemed her words, saying they aren’t rascists at all and would never even think such nasty, archaic slurs.

Her fellow panellists neither corrected her nor stopped her, in fact, they sat in silent agreement.

Theresa May has suspended her member for Newton Abbott, but Rambler insiders are saying that Anne was seen boarding a flight to the Bahamas late this afternoon for some R & R.

Perhaps the walls of Westminster are reverberating today after the shock comments and that European Colonial mentalities are being stirred because of her unreserved imperial attitudes that have existed since the crusades, maybe before. This paper thinks not somehow.

Sadly, more to come.

 

 

Vegan Terrorist Attack At Butchers On Australia’s “Meat Coast”

Quite disturbing news is reaching us this morning from the East Coast of Australia, where a butchers shop came under attack by a group of radical vegans, calling themselves V.A.G (Vegans against Gore).

The shop, wittily named, The Squealing Pig, was broken into in the early hours and several tons of couscous were deliberately poured from a trailer through the shops front door. It is not known how many perpetrators there are or how they managed to obtain several tons of the African food.

When the owner, who does not want to be named in case of further violence, came to open this morning, he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

“Up to my neck these grains were, had to swim through them just to turn the alarm off, unfortunately I got stuck and was suspended upside down in the couscous, luckily I felt something on my foot and it turned out to be a meatball from yesterday so I nibbled on it, and it kept me going until lunchtime, when I was rescued”

Police efforts to locate the terrorist group have come to no avail so far, with Gold Coast Police on high alert after the vegans dubbed the famous stretch of the country the “Meat Coast” after the attack.

Reports are coming in from Nimbin Police, that a shady group of individuals in a colourful magic bus run on vegetable oil passed through the town about an hour ago, but officers didn’t do much because its Nimbin and its, well, Nimbin.

Apparently a pair of hemp trousers fell from the bus, now awaiting forensics.

Fortunately no one was hurt during the attack but Myers next door has confirmed that some of the food got onto their shop floor.

 

 

Office Worker Drinks Water From Protein Shaker: Colleagues Confirm He Works Out

Bulky Stephen Hargreaves, a white collar worker, frequents the gym, it has been confirmed today by his co workers.

The spreadsheet guru, has himself confirmed he works out as much as possible. The reason for drinking water out of a protein shaker is because it reminds him of much he loves exercise and how it makes him feel like less of a dead-shit.

Even though the company he works for supplies their workers with a fully fitted kitchen with glass ware, cups and numerous water dispensers, Stephen chooses to stay hydrated in his own unique way.

Always keen to put his name down for fun runs and 5 a side football tournaments, it finally clicked with his co workers that he is, in his own words, a fitness fanatic.

Janine Daily, who sits opposite him, had this to say:

“I always thought it was quite weird- he used to go and come back from the loo doing arm stretches all the time”

“Not to mention that when he waits for the printer, he does this bobbing or squatting thing up and down, up and down until his document has printed”

It remains to be seen what this new found acknowledgement for his activities will do to the man.

 

Tennis is Boring Says Professional Tennis Player

Bernard Tomic, a tennis player from the once great sporting nation, Australia, who after just having lost his first match at Wimbledon 2017, said tennis was boring.

Claiming he was bored out there and didn’t even try until the final set, which he still lost convincingly, stunk of sour grapes. The soppy star said it was just a job before a journalist remarked that nobody would know who he was without tennis.

A Rambler insider at SW19 says gossip is rife in the locker rooms that Tomic had the hump because Caroline Wozniacki refused to play the ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game, before the tournament began.

Close mate and fellow first round loser, Nick Kyrgios, said this:

“He’ll come good, there’s always Tinder”

Controversial.

 

 

‘Housing Market is impossible’ Says Millenial Who Just Bought £1500 Leather Jacket

Stuart Smith, 29, a database enhancer salesman, who lives in South Kensington, scathingly attacked the government and the economy today, over his second flat white of the morning. Speaking to a Rambler reporter in the first article for our new section, “Everyday people and their everyday lives”, Stuart opened up about the struggles of being a millenial.

“I’ve lived in Kensington since I graduated from Durham, and without the help of a friend of my fathers, who got me a job, I wouldn’t even be here”

“You know I dream of owning my own property or two, a cottage in cornwall or chalet in France for ski season, but I dont think they will ever be achievable. Everything is so expensive these days, I mean this jacket I’m wearing cost me £1500! How am I ever supposed to save for a house”

He is not the only millenial to express such concerns, and the way the market is going, a certain creek with no paddle comes to mind as its destination.

“Maybe its the way I live my life, I am quite hedonistic you see, and I love a good weights session but the price of protein powder is crazy!”

The Rambler contacted the database expert’s father, over video conference calling, from his compound in the Bahamas,

“Boy needs a good thrashing if you ask me.” Taking a big puff of his cuban, he refused to elaborate and ended the call.

Everyday people and their everyday lives will be back next week.