London Woman Turns Off Mobile Phone On Underground: Shocks Carriage

A Tube worker contacted The Daily Rambler this morning after seeing a young woman on a rush hour train, actually turn her smart phone off.

Phil, who was going to work himself, looked up from his game of candy crush and noticed the woman, just sitting.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes” remarked the 25 year old.

“Everybody was on their phones for whatever reason, emailing, stalking people on facebook, talking to sexbots on dating apps, ordering more beard oil, filtering social media pictures, like, normal things, you know.”

“I lost pretty badly in a game of candy crush and looked up from the screen in disgust, when I saw the lady basically just staring ahead of her, I don’t think anyone else noticed, it was a pretty weird sight.”

It is unknown whether the woman suffers from mental health issues, or if this is part of a trend that will emerge without a hashtag.

In The Ramblers brunch briefing today, our editor asked the room when was the last time anyone turned off their phone, and received a shocked response. The political editor spat his almond croissant back into his premium skinny latte.

Lets hope this is the last random news story of the day.

 

Whole Country Realises We Aren’t That Good At Football

Another season drags to a close with the usual rich-mans-fantasy-teams taking the share of the silverware, and with the coming off season, news broke this morning of a very, very upsetting day for English Football fans. It can be revealed after a month long nationwide footballing census was conducted, results show that we just arent that good at our most popular sport.

Chairman of the FA, Reggie Tiddles, speaking outside HQ in London, said:

“The English Footballing Association, would like to apologise to the entire country. We want to admit as a professional body that we have been lying about how good we are. We look to rectify this by looking at our processes from top to bottom, conducting an internal review. We have called in leading expert investigators to lead the expert investigations”

The mood of the nation rests somewhat upon the performances of our football team and it seems that the FA have been dining out on a trophy won over 50 years ago, in 1966 against our German enemies.

The future can only tell us if this is going to turn around. Reports are flooding in that Harry Kane has vowed to stop eating wotsits after he admitted that he could get better if he put the orange flavoured snacks down.

Talking of potato based food, Gary Lineker was seen crying into a packet of cheese and onion crisps in a Waitrose car park. He later tweeted explaining it was because he didn’t like the flavour.

The nation mourns. This reporter, for one, sheds a tear as he writes the article.

 

Old Queenie Gets Pay Rise

Hats off to her, the reigning monarch of our great isle. To acknowledge all the hard work and sitting around in jewels she does, the nations favorite oldie is getting a raise. Who doesn’t love a raise? Probably the people that don’t get one.

Few imagined at her age she would be still be working. The Rambler headed out to Tottenham to get the thoughts of everyday people. Gary Undogukno from the area stopped and gave us a few words on the Queens wage rise,

“Bleedin’ typical that is, I’ve worked a bus driver for 33 years and had to live on peanuts, literal peanuts compared to her. I mean how long has she got left to live? Wouldn’t mind sitting my bum on a plump throne for a bit”

When we asked the palace about expenditures, they stated the high cost of specialist dog food as a reason why the raise was so increased.

Never one to hold his tongue Prince Harry was quoted in a Daily Mail article about how his pocket money has stayed the same since he was 13.

More to come.

 

 

May & The Loonys: Deal Reached as Theresa and Her Raving Pals Form Government

After weeks of painful and laborious negotiations, it can be confirmed today that the Conservative Party and the Monster Raving Loony Party have reached a deal and are able to form a Government.

With mounting pressure on the PM, it seems like the deal has come in the nick of time. It remains unclear of how the Loony Party will behave in the House of Commons, decades after they alleged in 1983 that if they ever gained any seats they would turn the benches into a giant ball pit.

The PCU (Performing Clown Union) has come out today in support of what the party has achieved since its humble beginnings. A spokesperson is quoted as saying:

“The Monster Raving Loony Party has won a significant victory for the people of this country. They have finally gained seats, for the first time since 1703. A proud day for the common kids party performer”

Theresa May was seen standing outside No.10 with a host of top hat wearing, festival going types, in front of the nations media.

“We can offer this great nation a robust and excellent leadership now after the deal has been signed. I can say with conviction for my new allies that £3 Billion will be spent on a giant water slide from Scarborough to Eastbourne.”

“As well as free clown training to all!”

It is understood the Monster Raving Loony Party will support the Conservatives to uphold majorities.

More to come.

 

 

 

Johnny Depp attempts assassination on Donald Trump, stays true to comments at Glastonbury

Celebrity A-lister and global supertar, Johnny Depp, born Barry Whitworth, has shocked the world today after audaciously trying to take the life of the President of the United States.

It is understood Mr.Depp requested a private audience with the leader of the free world, in the oval office. The much loved actor was shot dead in front of the property tycoons desk.

Security sources from the White House issued a statement shortly after the incident:

“The White House is now on lockdown and all personel have been evacuated after an event of the most seriousness occurred within the walls of the oval office”

“An American Citizen and Hollywood actor, Johnny Depp, tried to take the life of the President this afternoon around 2.17pm local time. His weapon of choice was a sharpened potato, due to the nature of the weapon, the president was able to overpower Mr.Depp until Security teams rushed in and shot the man dead.”

“Security will be reviewed, and why he was allowed to speak to the President one to one, will be looked into”

Sources are being confirmed that Johnny was still high after his recent appearances at the pagan festival, Glastonbury. Which may explain the potato. In an interview about his upcoming film, in front of hundreds of people, Johnny appeared to by enjoying himself and was filmed saying maybe he should try and kill Mr.Trump.

Surprising the entire world, the legend of numerous films made true on the comments.

A sombre day for democracy.

Unfortunately, there won’t be a next time for Johnny.

Fry-Up Prices Soar as Cheap Airlines Cancel Flights Throughout May & June

British summer has arrived and en masse, thousands of pasty bodies flock to the airports searching for some booze and sun.

It has been confirmed by numerous airports around the country, including the big London ones, that the price of a hot breakfast has risen three fold due to the demand rising from the uncommon number of cancelled flights passengers are experiencing.

Manager of Gatwick Whitherspoons, Sally Briskett, has told us that they cant keep up.

“Listen, I’ve had to order an extra 3,000 sausages this week, people are literally gobbling sizzlers quicker than I can say sausage, and with all this Brexit nonsense, pork is dearer!”

With this coming weekend usually a big one for people’s holidays, one establishment in Liverpool airport has had to close after realizing that they could no longer serve cooked breakfast due to the shortage.

“Its a sad day” said Chef Pete from Wrexham, who works at the establishment, “I took pride in my work and now I can’t even slice a tomato”

It is not clear whether the wider economy will suffer as a result of the shortage.

We asked builder Greg Jenkins from Stockport, what he thought of this sloppy mess.

“I’ve been at this airport since yesterday morning, thinking I was on my way to Zante but no, this is my 47th pint and I am still waiting for my breakfast, shocking, absolutely shocking”

Keep up to date on the fry-up famine over the summer at The Daily Rambler.

 

Student, 21, ends up on Isle of Wight after beginning her night in Newcastle

Lucy, who is a Business Student from the University of Newcastle, was found on Spring Vale beach, the Isle of Wight, around 6.20am by local fisherman who thought she might have been a washed up seal.

When being woken up she allegedly screamed “Doner!!!”, most likely in regards to one of the nations most loved foods, the Doner Kebab, of Turkish origin. The fisherman said she appeared drunk, confused and quite irritable. An ambulance crew arrived shortly after.

Local Paramedic Rodney Pearson was quoted as saying,

“Can we find out what she drinking and order a load? Looks bloody good”

The student had begun the night in quite a different setting, 400 hundred miles away in her SU bar all the way up in Newcastle. What was an innocent night out, turned bad.

“All I can remember is the rounds were flying in and I was drinking so much. I think I remember ordering 27 Sambuca’s around 9pm but I am not sure.”

“It was final results weekend and, you know, of course we are going to party our socks off, who doesn’t deserve it after basically just memorizing old exam papers, hoping that the same questions would come up”

How she came to be on the beach on the tiny island opposite the delights of Clarence Pier in nearby Portsmouth, is a mystery. There are several ferry and hovercraft links from the mainland.

Lucy was safely returned to her family home in Buckinghamshire, where her parents were anxiously waiting. Her father was heard shouting as the mansions gates closed, “If we have to buy you another bloody IPhone 7”.

The University declined to comment. When pressed, they said this wasn’t unusual.

 

Aging Pensioner forced to play Queen for a day as Royal Ascot begins

The inside talk from the halls of Westminster this morning is that the Queen employed a doppelganger for her traditional speech at the opening of Parliament yesterday.

The reason for this is thought to be because of the first day of Royal Ascot. Which coincided, unfortunately for the Queen, with the speech she was meant to deliver in the House of Peers.

It is now understood that the Palace sought to find someone with an uncanny resemblance to her Majesty. Apparently agents (in secret) scoured the land for weeks before seeing OAP Beatrice “Betty” Johnson looking for her cat amongst the bushes of Victoria Park.

After being persuaded with a handsome sum of money and a life time supply of Bovril to perform the task, Betty had to practice for weeks before the speech. One of our reporters tracked her down this morning outside her council flat in Tower Hamlets. He managed to ask a few question before being hit repeatedly with a handbag.

“Well I was just looking for Tommy (the cat) one night when two posh sounding men came out of nowhere and gave me this proposition to be the Queen for a day…”

It is well known her Majesty is a passionate horse lover and it seems the races take precedence over official state business for the Windsor monarch, which is why Betty had to step in.

“I had to practice this speech over and over, talking about Brexit this Brexit that, I voted leave because I haven’t had a decent portion of fish and chips since the 1970s…”

Betty has since said she will not do anything of the like again.

“Some of those blue bloods are awful- I saw Prince William tell a butler to follow him to the toilet so he could help him wipe!”

The Palace Press Office has yet to make a statement.

 

 

 

 

Air Force One Flight Delayed After Pilot Loses Keys

On the morning of an important meeting at Mar-a-Lago, to see why business hasn’t improved since the President Elect took power, the Captain of the Air Force One aircraft may have left his keys at home, it has been revealed.

Captain Conrad Randy, formerly of Rocky Air, based out of Wyoming, has been quoted as saying he only realized he didn’t have the keys until he got to the runaway and tried unlocking the aircraft.

His wife has made it clear that this is nothing compared to what he does at home and declined to comment further. This is the first time professionally the pilot has been reprimanded since he graduated from Buffalo County Aeronaut College.

Sean Spicer, in a press release from his home after allegations that he wont appear on camera because he has “got fatter”, said:

“We can confirm there was a minor delay to an Air Force One flight this morning after the Pilot may or may not have left the keys in the back of an Uber vehicle”

“The Uber driver is still trying to be located and a small reward will be issued to anyone who finds him.”

The Rambler spoke to a Secret Service Agent who does not want to be named, Jim Toldo from Arizona, who was there this morning. According to his eye witness report,

“The co-pilot broke four credit cards trying to jimmy open the planes door but wasn’t successful”

He also went on to explain that the Pilot had also tried to throw a rock through the cabins window, but it just bounced off.

The President himself was nowhere to be seen, however reports are coming in that a blonde tupee was seen rolling down the tarmac like tumbleweed.

More to come.